Life Balance Fear Alert: 7 Triggers That Make You Run Like Hell
Written by Dave Navarro on July 15, 2008
Work-life balance is an elusive thing; we all want to be more balanced, but most of us feel like it is just outside of our reach. As I’ve coached business owners from all walks of life over the last few years, I hear the same line over and over again - “When things settle down, I’ll have the time to work on balance.” I’ve even caught myself saying it (much more than once).
But what I’ve found interesting is that few people I’ve spoken to can actually tell me what the concept of “balance” means to them. They have a fuzzy idea of what a balanced life means - I hear things like “more time,” “better health,” “better relationships,” and so on … but nothing concrete. It’s kind of like when people say they want to “make more money” or “be happier” … it’s a vague phrase that doesn’t carry a lot of detail. And permitting a lack of detail on something you want is a great way to avoid approaching it. But we do this on purpose, and we do it for a reason.
Why Getting Into Detail Can Be Scary
For many goals - and especially for balance - we rarely move beyond the definition of “more” or “happier.” We may tell ourselves it’s just because we haven’t gotten around to it, but in reality it’s likely that there are fear-based factors that make us feel internal resistance to getting into detail (and building a battle plan) when it comes to achieving balance.
- Overwhelm. We tend to seek work-life balance when they we already overwhelmed, so the idea of carving out the time / effort to achieve it can often seem too complex - a huge project to add to their already maxed-out list of to-do items.
- Insecurity. When balance seems a far-away ideal, it’s easy to feel like it will simply never happen. Though we don’t want to admit it, one part of us simply resigns itself to accepting that we’ll never have it while another part continues to yearn for it. We feel like we just don’t have what it takes.
- Pressure. The word “balance” carries a strong emotional connection to the word “everything.” It’s hard to imagine something being “kind of” balanced - it’s all or nothing in our minds. And getting control of everything creates a huge amount of pressure - one that we frequently deal with by avoidance.
- Fear of Failure. We’ve tried to get “more balanced” before. We’ve fallen flat on our face. It hurts. We don’t want it to hurt again. Whether our fear is a conscious one or simply a behind-the-scenes emotion, it acts as a protection mechanism, helping to steer our thoughts away from getting more definition on what we really want.
- Fear of Success. What if you really had it all, and could have that magic work-life balance as early as tomorrow? What new responsibilities would you have, and what new commitments would you be obligated to? Even though you want to be balanced, your mind can easily push back against adding “more” to your plate.
- Fear of Loss. Imagine having everything. Now imagine losing it. If you’ve enjoyed the bliss of feeling “more balanced” in the past, you know how painful it is to have circumstances take that away from you. Perhaps part of you is feeling that right now, and holding you back from taking more concrete action defining what you really want.
- Confusion & Embarrassment. When it all comes down to it, maybe you just don’t know where the hell to start. Having a destination in mind - but not having a map - can cause a level of fear all by itself … the fear of admitting you don’t know something. Sucks, don’t it?
The Way To Face Your Fear & Do It Anyway
A simple way to take the “big deal” out of work-life balance is to stop making it such a big deal in the first place. Regardless of what television, magazines, or your “has it all together” neighbor imply to you, Hear This: You don’t have to “have it all” to “have it.” Even just a small sip can begin to quench your balance thirst.
Take the pressure off. Instead of focusing on how big a thing “total work-life balance” can be, set your mind towards doing one small thing today to get you on the path to getting “more balanced.” It’s just like losing weight - if you focus on “losing 50 pounds,” good luck with dealing with the stress that brings. If you focus on “replace one soda a day with a glass of water,” you’re on your way. As the saying goes, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” (Note to self: Don’t mention “weight loss” and “eating elephants” in the same paragraph ever again.)
Taking small actions can help you fly under the fear radar and give you a massive confidence / emotional boost at the same time. You can begin getting balanced, even if you’re too damned busy (read this post as a starting point). Start with something manageable, something small and achievable enough that doesn’t activate one of those make-or-break triggers, and start feeling like you have more control over getting your life in balance than you do today.
Upcoming posts will go into tips for how to start defining what balance means to you and how to start making your battle plan for getting it. Subscribe to this blog by email or RSS to make sure you don’t miss them. And I’d love to her what your next “small step” is going to be in the comments below.
I find that fear of success usually happens the closer I get to completing a project. That’s when I seize up and bail… I’ve tried many different ways of getting around this, and the only thing that seems to work is to focus on the next project.
So, my next small step is is focusing on the work at hand and starting a new novel.
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write’s last blog post..How I Almost Started Writing: Chicago
I don’t think about work-life balance. I just know that I need to and want to do things that aren’t work. If I don’t do them, I will go nuts or drop dead from exhaustion, whichever would come first. It really is like a battery that must be recharged back to maximum (not just a little bit).
Michael Martine’s last blog post..Are Your Blog Visitors Readers or Prospects?
Many of the clients I meet with initially are looking at the “elephant ” when it comes to retirement planning…”I need $1 million or $2 million” or whatever. This type of thinking usually paralyzes them. Too much to bite off so they do nothing.
My responsibility is to remind them and work with them one bite at a time. Or one account, one strategy, one decision at a time.
“Let’s simply set up this account or let’s set up this automatic funding, etc.” Keep it simple. One step at a time.
And as importantly, I remind them to focus on progress…not the elephant.
@Jamie -
Another tactic is to imagine yourself having completed it, looking back and saying, “Yeah, *****, I did that!” Sometimes, the act of visualizing yourself having embraced the suck is enough to remind yourself that you are a badass who can keep on keepin’ on, ’till it’s done.
@Michael -
I hear you. My goal is to avoid getting to the point where I feel like I’m gonna go nuts or drop dead from exhaustion
@Chris -
“It’s a cinch by the inch.” Goofy saying, but true.
I loved that list of “why we don’t”. My takeaway message is, we want “balance”, but we don’t have a clue what that is. We also avoid it because it looks like a damned big undertaking.
My questions/thoughts:
If we don’t know what balance truly is (ie, more money, more happy… what does that mean, really?), then how do we know what our goal is? Without a goal, how can we take that first step?
Or, should we rather accept we have no clue where we’re going but it has to be better than going nuts or dropping dead from exhaustion?
On a philosophical bent, is everyone’s balance the same? Maybe the actions aren’t or the hobbies aren’t, but are the proportions the same?
On an even more philosophical bent, what happens when the very thing that sucks your time is the one thing you truly love doing? How do you restore balance then? or when your favorite thing to do is the worst thing for your family?
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..When You Lose a Different Kind of Everything
@Dave,
Very timely. Just move forward, one step at a time. And for answers to James’ questions, I think that is all very personal as he said - but again, the answers could come, one step at a time.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
I’m such a habit-monkey, I either do it every day (or at least on some very routine basis) or I don’t do it.
Good habits I’ve developed:
I spend the hour between dinner & my kid’s bed time with him, always. Always have, since he was born. Very recently I’ve allowed myself to skip a night, but not more than once every other week.
I also spend the first 45 minutes or so he’s awake in the morning with him. Does rotten things to my schedule but I don’t care.
4 times a week I haul my sorry carcass onto the ellipse machine, as soon as the boy starts his breakfast.
Everything else in my life is a disaster.
I could do better with my evenings (like spending them with my very excellent husband). Your post makes me realize I’m not quite ready to change my habit there, from time spent goofing on the web. Hmmm, interesting.
Sonia Simone’s last blog post..Are You Ready for Your Audition?
Jamie, I had the same problem, particularly with home improvement / DIY projects at home. After 7 years of owning our house, I still hadn’t “finished” a single project.
Two nights ago, I finally took the time to place the final two feet of crown molding up in the master bedroom. The wood is old and brittle, but focusing only on the task at hand and not getting caught up in the frustration helped, and I eventually got it done.
Time to start a new trend.
Thanks for your help, guys!
Rob
@James -
Excellent questions, and I’ll begin getting into them in the next few posts.
Re: “what does that mean, really?” … for those first baby steps, I think you can trust your gut to tell you some of the little things that you know would make a big difference, just to start.
Thanks for your questions - It’s like you’re writing my next post topics for me
@Brett -
One step is the only way to do it…
@Sonia -
Good to hear you’re locked into time with the kid. Now quit goofing on the web :-p
@Rob -
It’s the little things that make a big difference … try and knock out one or two of those every weekend!
Hey. Someone has to keep you busy
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..How to Outsource Your Life to the Right People
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