The Survivor Mindset: Deal With Your Stuff By Helping Others

In the last post we were talking about the the survivor mindset and how picking the right role models can open up opportunities to survive and thrive. For those just joining us, the “survivor mindset” is simply a term I was using to describe the unique psychology that allows people to go through brutally hellish circumstances, come out okay on the other side, and begin building a new set of circumstances that offer them a better shot at an enjoyable life.

Today we’re going to talk about service as a coping mechanism - or, in simpler words, dealing with your stuff by helping people get through their stuff.  It’s a simple strategy, but it’s wildly effective for those who have been through incredibly painful ordeals.

If Pain Seems Meaningful, You Can Take An Infinite Amount Of It

In 1980, Candy Lightner’s teenage daughter was killed by a drunk driver (a four-time-convicted DWI driver, no less), and he actually avoided a prison sentence entirely by serving time in a halfway house and work camp. A situation like that is the kind of thing that shatters a parent forever.  I can’t imagine the fury and helplessness that she must have felt not getting justice for her daughter’s death.

Except Candy was a survivor.  She didn’t settle for helplessness.  She couldn’t bring her daughter back, and she couldn’t get revenge (what’s the point in that, anyway?).  But she did do something much, much more powerful.  She decided to connect with other people who had experienced her same tragedy and band together to make a difference.  Candy Lightner was the founder of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving).

For 25 years, she relived the story of her tragedy over, and over, and over again so she could make a difference.  Making a difference = purpose to the pain.

But you don’t have to petition state legislatures to start dealing with your pains (though if that does the trick, go for it).  The point is, by focusing on using your pain to ease the pain of others, you learn to cope incredibly quickly.

Helping Others Takes The Focus Off Of Pain And Helps You Move Forward

One of the tricky things about massive emotional pain is that it paralyzes you.  You think you’ll never get over it, that the world is coming to an end, and that you’re going under, with no chance of coming up for air.  But that bleak worldview happens because we lose our objectivity and we get sucked into self-pity and hopelessness.

But when we reach out to help other people – especially people who have similar pain – an important thing happens.  We start looking at the pain objectively, because it’s a lot easier to talk someone else through their pain than it is to come to terms with our own.  And by helping someone else feel like they can cope, we realize we can, too.

If you’ve lost someone, you can relate to someone who’s lost someone of their own.  If you take the time to talk to that person, help them through it emotionally, you’ll be helped as well.  We have a natural desire to encourage other people, to help them feel better, and when we do that, we lighten our own load a bit.  By seeing others realize they can carry on, we realize we can too.

If You’re Feeling Paralyzed And Depressed, Find Someone To Help In The Next Two Hours

No matter how bad you’re feeling, there’s a bit of good news – the Internet has made being a survivor easier than ever.  There are chat rooms and forums and blogs and social media spaces for practically any pain you could have experienced in your life.  If you’re feeling at the end of your rope, search for those gathering places and say one encouraging thing to someone every day.  In 30 days I guarantee you that you’ll experience a lift.

(looks at watch) Looks like I’m out of time for today.  Next post in this series will continue with another aspect of the survivor mindset.  I hope you’ll join me by subscribing to this blog and better yet, linking to or Stumbling this post.

See you next post,

Dave