How To Get Through Damn Near Anything
Written by Dave Navarro on September 22, 2008
Ever have one of those tough-as-hell weeks where it feels like the world is unloading both barrels at you - where things fly at you at such an vicious, unrelenting speed that you feel like life is pushing your limits simply to see where your breaking point is? Where the pressure is on, the sleep is never restful, and you find yourself bubbling up with frustration about your job, your endurance, your attitude … and it seems like at any moment that life is about to break you?
I just had a week of exactly that. It was curious. And by “curious” I mean fricking hell.
So, How Do You Cope With “Hell Week” (or Month, Or Year …)?
There are only three ways of coping with a sudden trip into unrelenting hell:
- Snap. Messily.
- Go numb. Stay numb.
- Get through it, and get stronger.
Obviously, the first option isn’t one you want to take. Lots of lawyers and dry cleaning involved. The second option isn’t much better - I’ve done it many times, and in the long run, it’s not a much better option than the first one. But there’s a third option, one where you decide you’re not going to settle for anything less than getting through this ordeal a stronger person. That’s where you want to be.
Yeah, I know. It’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be as insanely difficult as we make it out to be.
What To Do When You’re Stuck In A Rut
You’re going to have times when you feel like your emotions are out of control. You’re horrifically depressed. Uncontrollably angry. Unreasonably scared. Stuck in a rut. Entering the downward spiral. Locked into a pattern of frustrating, paralyzing, you-don’t-wan’t-this-but-can’t-change-it emotion that makes you hate your life and where you are.
And the worst part of it is, no one is coming to your rescue. No wave of a magic wand will help you feel better, and no cheery “You can do it!” advice is going to break the hold of how you feel. And to make matters worse, Dave is going on and on about how bad you feel and still hasn’t gotten to the part where you can start feeling better.
This Is The Part Where You Can Start Feeling Better
Throughout my week, I’ve had to deal with enormous frustration and bouts of near-depression about things that seemed to be controlling my life in ways that I didn’t like. It was rough as hell, but the only thing that kept me from snapping messily was focusing on one simple phrase that helped me break the pattern of pain and move on with my day:
“I don’t have to feel this way.”
These seven words may not sound like much of a solution, but stop and think about it: When you’re locked into an emotion that’s controlling your attitude, you tend to feel powerless to change it. Powerless. And that’s precisely why that emotion has a hold on you the way it does - you feel like there’s no way out, no matter how hard you try.
And in a way, you’re right. “Trying” doesn’t seem to work most of the time. You’re feeling defeated and drained, and you’re not in a good position to put up a fight against an unusually strong emotion.
So don’t fight it. Accept what you’re feeling in the moment, and realize that your feeling is driven by what you’re focusing on in the moment (namely, all the stuff that sucks so horribly). Take ownership and admit that you are feeding this feeling by focusing on all the things you don’t like about your situation.
And don’t feel bad about it. Don’t beat yourself up about it (because that only feeds that feeling further). Simply accept that this is a cause-and-effect thing, and that it’s part of being human, and that even the person you think is the most stable, “can-do” person you want to strangle has crap days just like you do.
And then repeat to yourself,
“I don’t have to feel this way.”
Things Change When You Take Responsibility For Your Feelings
You see, we feel like crap because we imagine that life does things to us, that bad situations make us feel bad. But you know from your own experience that it doesn’t have to be that way - you’ve been in plenty of situations that sucked where you’ve been the voice of reason - the one who was able to stay in a constructive mood even when other people didn’t.
How did you do it? It wasn’t magic. It wasn’t willpower. And it wasn’t positive thinking - it was realistic thinking. Somewhere along the line, you realized that feeding yourself depressing thoughts was going to depress you, and you didn’t want to settle for that. You wanted more. And you told yourself that you didn’t have to feel this way. You focused on something good, or you just focused on the fact you’d get through this in one piece and that if you ripped the band-aid off fast enough, the pain would only be temporary.
In other words, you refused to let the world play you for a sucker and drive your feelings, and you put both hands on the wheel and refused to let go. All you have to do now is remember you’re the one in the driver’s seat.
Breaking The Pattern = Hope (A Much Stronger Position)
When you’re mired in a strong emotion, it’s easy to feel that it’s hopeless to fight it. But when you focus on your own ability to choose things instead, you put yourself in a stronger position, one where you can make a difference. You recognize that emotions don’t control you - you control emotions, and that makes all the difference in the world.
When you tell yourself, “I wish I felt better,” you feel powerless. There’s not much hope for change there. But when you tell yourself, “I don’t have to feel this way,” you’re giving yourself the option not to feel this way, and that’s an option you didn’t have before when you were focusing on the big scary emotion. You’re reminding yourself to be reasonable about the whole thing. You’re reminding yourself that you’re stronger than you’re currently giving yourself credit for.
And stronger is a good place to be.
How To Break Your Pattern And Start Feeling Better
When you feel like crap and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, simply say to yourself, “I don’t have to feel this way.” If that doesn’t immediately help, repeat to yourself “I don’t have to feel this way.” If it still doesn’t help, repeat it again: I don’t have to feel this way.” And again. And again. And again. And AGAIN.
Focus on opening up new options for yourself. Take it to the next level and ask yourself what you could do to feel differently: “I don’t have to feel depressed about my job. If I wanted to feel better, I’d focus on <insert something I’m taking for granted>. If I wanted to feel better, I’d remind myself that <insert something that gives you perspective on something good in your life>.”
Remember, your emotions run on a cause-and-effect pattern. Use that (instead of being used by that).
The key to this is repetition. On some level you’re going to resist feeling like you should have that much control over your feelings, because the part of you that wants the easy way out (or is simply intimidated by the strong emotion) is going to tell you there’s no point in trying. Don’t listen to that voice.
Listen to reason instead. Listen to hope. Listen to what’s going to pull you out of this mess.
You have the power to change things - to stop feeding the draining feelings you don’t want and to start feeding the feelings that will help you rock your day and get out of that rut, so you can be the person you know you’re capable of being.
Feed the right feelings. And come back for seconds. You’ll thank yourself for it.
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“I don’t have to feel this way.”
Dave,
OMG that is my very favorite phrase ever. How did you know I use that all the time! Super post.
Another good one is “Shut up.” Simplistic, yes, but when I hear myself starting to beat myself up, I say it. Out loud, if necessary. Umm, not in public though, cuz that’s just weird.
And I know you wrote this to help yourself get through something, so I hope things are looking better now.
Printing and keeping.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..I’ll Never Fall in Love Again
I’ll toss out a warning here. Yes, you’re right. No one has to feel what they do. We allow ourselves this emotion or that and behavior follows (ie, slump or anger, etc)
But avoidance of a situation or problem can be an issue. Saying, “I don’t have to feel this way,” and then refusing to deal with something painful or hard is dangerous.
Even worse? “I don’t care.” That one is a killer.
For someone admittedly as “EMO” as I am (I really hate that word though) — those seven words might as well be in Martian. But I’m getting the Rosetta Stone Martian-in-Three-Easy-Steps DVDs so I can practice… thanks for the great post/idea/life-preserver.
Madley
Madley’s last blog post..When I Die
@Kelly -
Glad you liked. I always feel good when someone tells me I have a “keeper” post, so thanks
@James -
Good point - perhaps I’ll do a follow up on that one. Hopefully what came across in this article was a tactic good for getting yourself back into a position of strength, so you can take action.
I think a “part two” is in order for this post …
@Madley -
Glad to help. PS - great poem on your post today - Pablo Neruda’s always a good one to read.
“I don’t have to feel this way.”
Dood. So needed to hear that this morning. Put a wee fire under my tushie, and some in my chest too. Thanks for that. I look forward to Part 2.
Dave is right, and James is right - you don’t have to feel “this way” - but you have to take action somehow - so if it helps to “think” your way out of an emotional rut enough to effect action, then do it.
Glad that you’re back and kicking @$$, Dave - I was getting a bit complacent over here
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the thing that should not be.
@Kaz -
Glad to light the fire.
@Brett -
I missed posting too. Day job was hella crazy, so it was either spend time on the blog or see my kids. Blog loses. :-p
@Dave,
(Not that you need me to tell you but) you did the right thing - blog can wait, kids grow up too fast.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the thing that should not be.
Cool post (and sorry about your ratbag week). For me, you zeroed in on it with “no one is coming to your rescue.”
I’ll get to a giant scared freaked out ball of anxiety, and then something makes me suddenly realize, “oh, right, I’m waiting for a mommy to come get me and make everything ok. That’s not going to happen.”
For some reason, that line of thought clicks me into putting together a back-of-the-napkin plan for what to do next and how to dig out. And it’s much less anxiety-producing to do something than it is to curl up and hope somebody slays the dragon for me.
Sonia Simone’s last blog post..Email Marketing: What’s an Autoresponder, and Do I Need One?
@Sonia -
Would love to take credit for that phrase, but I first heard it from Brian Tracy
I’ve always known intellectually that I’m responsible for my own feelings on a certain level, but nothing really made me understand that idea internally like “you don’t have to feel this way.”
To prevent the situation James talks about, I think of Sonia’s post about “punch punch punch punch punch.” KIddo did not lay there in that coffin under the earth and think: “I don’t have to feel this way…”
@ Michael - Yeah, it’s a tricky one though. People say, “I don’t have to feel like this. So I’m just not going to feel!” They turn their backs, walk away from the situation and just don’t deal with it… and then they call that action.
“I did something! I chose to walk away. I’m above this! I refuse to partake in this. That’s action. I am making a deliberate choice!”
Ummmm… no, people. No no no.
Hehehe, poor Dave. I love playing psychology with his psychology. Fun!
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..On Listening to Shepherds and Finding Your Green Pastures
@James - I have always found that action is the fastest way to change the way I feel. If I feel down about something, I can rationally understand that there’s no real reason to feel down, but nothing helps like a whirlwind office-cleaning or making an awesome dinner. I’m not ignoring problems, but changing the way I feel about them helps me better deal with them. I still like this little “trick,” though. I can see it being useful.
@Michael / James -
What hath I wrought? The true “take action” stuff will be revealed in Part Two …
/runs screaming
/punchpunchpunchpunchpunch
*evil cackles*
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..On Listening to Shepherds and Finding Your Green Pastures
@Dave - Um… I knew that. Yeah.
Dear Dave,
Re: “On some level you’re going to resist feeling like you should have that much control over your feelings, because the part of you that wants the easy way out (or is simply intimidated by the strong emotion) is going to tell you there’s no point in trying. Don’t listen to that voice.”
I’ve got another reason why “that voice” might have more influence than it should.
Emotions, positive or negative, are extremely important to me. When I was a teenager I decided that I was not going to be one of those people who becomes disconnected, absent and unaware of her emotions as an adult. I felt that people who were unafraid to feel and externalize their emotions truly embraced their humanity. I respected those who had the emotional courage proudly expose areas vulnerability. As an adult, I now know that there are professional situations in which I wear my heart too much on my sleeve, and I am at a disadvantage because of it, but I am learning to find a balance between internally acknowledging emotions and externally displaying them.
The reason I might be tempted to listen to “that voice” is that I am afraid of programming myself to bypass all negative emotions so that I lose my ability to feel, see, and relate. Understanding myself is a means to understanding others, and people are what REALLY matter in life. I think you’ve already presented a solution to this conundrum: one has to acknowledge one’s emotions. This enables one to take control. I just thought it might be worth mentioning something else that provokes someone to listen to “that voice” of despair.
By the way, making effort to be vulnerable enough to one’s emotions to realize what they are and experience them is NOT the easy way out. In contrast, however, as you mentioned, stuffing emotions IS.
[…] Read; How To Get Through Damn Near Anything. […]
Supremely well timed…I didn’t have a hell week, but I sure had a crappy day yesterday. Woke up “adjusted” this morning and was glad to see this…
Shelly’s last blog post..Hollywood Ending
Your stuff often reminds me very much of the Constructive Living stuff I’ve read. “Feelings aren’t directly controllable by an act of will, but feelings follow behavior.”
Darn, now I want to break out my copy of “Thirsty, Swimming in a Lake” and I think I lent it to someone who moved to Spain.
The longing for a rescuer to come and fix everything is a very enneagram 4 attitude–and a lot of creative folks and writers are that type (myself included). Nice kick in the pants, Dave, from someone who has also had a heckuva week.
KatFrench’s last blog post..The Interactive Family Album Series: Capzles
I knew there was a reason I was so far behind on reading others blogs! Today was the exact right time for me to read this one! I totally did this today! I felt like crap this morning and most of the weekend, I felt like there was no hope to get out of my rut, that things were beyond my control etc. Then as I was coming back from lunch today I said to myself, why do I feel like this, there is no good reason I could think of. Since that happened I have been feeling better and better this afternoon. Now I can start attacking things with gusto and realize that I was feeling crappy because I didn’t choose to feel different and get things done!
Thanks!
Jenny’s last blog post..Don’t Laugh At…
Great post - I just wish I had something like this to lead me through the whole year of 2007 - what a bunch of crap that year was. I’ll keep this post tight just in case that kind of day, week, month, year ever happens again.
Eva G.’s last blog post..Tired Cops = Bad Idea
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