But when I’ve had a particularly hard time, I hit these moments where I’m in a foul mood, or I’m just feeling paralyzed, and I’m just stuck.  Sometimes I just stew in that and stay there, but sometimes I actually get intelligent and pull my way out of it.

I’m going to outline the framework that I’ve been using successfully to really get myself resourceful and motivated (and in a better mood) when I’m feeling stuck.  Hopefully it will help you, too, and if you do I truly hope you’ll share it with others.

First Up: Using A Framework to Escape From Paralyzing Emotions

When we feel bad, it’s hard to “feel good” again.  You can’t just wish yourself better, and when you’re in a stuck place, you don’t generally have the mental energy to pull out. Willpower doesn’t help, and “positive thinking” sure as hell doesn’t help.  But falling back on a framework of steps does help, because we humans function well when we have a set of steps to follow.

The reason for this is that steps take the emotion out of our situation and give us direction to simply act.  Duck and Cover.  Stop, Drop, and Roll.  When you know with certainty what to do next, you’re in a much stronger position to take action, even when you’re panicking.  (And it doesn’t have to be words, either – just think of Lamaze breathing, which expectant mothers practice well ahead of time so they can slip back into it during the stress of labor.)

You can call these verbal step-by-step tools anchors if you want, because they’re ways to anchor your emotional state to a time where you knew what to do and you felt prepared.  So I’m going to lay out a framework that you can use as your own anchor when you need to reset your mood, and while it’s seven steps long, it’s hella effective at getting the job done.

The seven steps form the acronym ACT FAST, and I picked that because I felt that it was a pretty empowering term as it forces you to presuppose you have a workable course of action.  So let’s dive in.

A: AGREE With Yourself That You Don’t Want To Be In This Mood Right Now.

This seems hokey, but it’s important for this reason: Once you agree with yourself that this is not the right mood for you, you’re revoking permission to stew in your own juices and keep the “pity party” going.  Think about it: When we’re mad, the thing we hate the most is when someone tries to cheer us up, because on some level we want to be mad and stay mad, or be depressed and stay depressed.

And that’s not always a bad thing. Maybe we want to stay sad because on some level we know we need to hang out in this mental state and really look at what’s making us sad, to really connect with it and deal with it instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.  Maybe we want to stay mad because we’re not finished processing our emotions and figuring out what our situation means and what we’re going to do about it.

So don’t take this as me saying “man up and stop crying.”  What I am saying is that at some point if you want to move forward in a functional way, and not feel paralyzed, you need to agree that this stage of emotion has to be finite, it has to come to an end so you can deal with the solution that the emotion demands of you.  When you’re ready to deal with it, you agree with yourself that you’re ready to shift gears.

Let’s say you’ve lost your job and you’re freaking out about what to do.  You could tell yourself something like, “Okay, I’m ready to stop being scared of this situation now.”  Then you move on to the second step.

C: CLARIFY The Mood or Emotion You Want To Move Towards

Now that you’re ready to change, you need to make sure that you know where you’re headed so you have something you can focus on.  It’s not enough to say “I just don’t want to feel this way anymore,” because then you’re still swimming in the Sea of What You Don’t Want.  You need to have a focus.

It could be as simple as defining the mood you want to be in with a single word or two. Resourceful.  Confident.  Infectiously Happy.  Stable.  Calm.  Controlled.  Helpful.  Pleasant.  Civil.  Generous.  Whatever it is, you need to give it a name.

Then you combine it with the last thought, so you can tell yourself something like “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.”

There’s nothing magical about these words, and again, it’s not positive thinking.  This is all about creating something you can say to yourself to pull the emotion out of your mental state and focus on what you can do next and what you can influence.

When you start getting scattered and lose track of where you are, and you’re stressing, you can fall back on your statement: “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.”  You’re putting yourself back in control and you’re ready for the next step.

T: TAKE Responsibility For Taking Immediate Action.

Now that you know what you want to move away from and what you want to move towards, it’s time to face reality: It ain’t gonna happen unless you make it happen.  You’re going to have to consciously accept responsibility for getting yourself in a better state.

This is a big deal, because it means that you‘re going to have to revoke permission to blame other people so you can do this.  Note that I’m not saying that you’re absolving other people of blame – if someone just screwed you over, then they’re still at fault, and you don’t pretend that didn’t happen.

But focusing on that isn’t going to help you get to your desired emotional state.  You have to take full responsibility for what thoughts you’re going to focus on and what attitudes you’re going to reinforce, because no one is going to do it.  No one is coming to your rescue.

You want out of this emotion? You’re going to have to do it yourself.  the good news is you totally can do it yourself, and we’re going to cover that in the next four steps so you can get there.

So now our statement to ourselves gets a little longer – it’s something like, “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now.”

We’re going to move into four questions right now, and you’ll need to memorize them so you can get yourself back on track instantly when you’re backsliding into the emotional state you don’t want to be in.

F: “What Would I Need To FOCUS On To Feel this Way?”

This question is a really empowering one, because it forces you to stop thinking about the things that are draining you and gets you to acknowledge that there are things you can focus on that will give you more mental and emotional energy.

When you ask yourself this question, you’re putting yourself on the spot – you’re saying, “Hey, if I wanted to feel resourceful (for this job loss example), what would I need to focus on?”  You’re presupposing the answer is available to you rather than saying “How do I get out of this funk?”, which is an open ended question that invites an “I dunno …” response.

Think about it. If you were feeling resourceful in this job loss situation – imagine that you were for a second – what would you be focusing on in order to feel resourceful?  Would you be thinking of all your contacts and references, about renewing old work relationships?  Would you be taking stock of all the online job boards, or maybe sites like LinkedIn?  Or would you be revisiting your skills and experience and seeing if another career would be more fun?

Ask yourself this question, and write down the answers. You’ll need that written note to look back on when the painful emotion you’re moving away from resurfaces.  Have a written library of answers to this question and you can benefit from it when you’re feeling emotionally unable to conjure up answers later.

Sometimes the answer can be external as well.  The first part of my career was spent in software testing, and that’s some boring stuff.  It’s frustrating to test the same thing 100 times and not feel totally unmotivated.  But I’d focus on something external – like the road trip I was going to take with this week’s pay – and that would keep me going.

In one case I was testing training Army courseware for avoiding/disarming landmines, and after the 1,000th retest I was so bored out of my skull I wanted to scream. But I told myself that if I focused on testing it until it was 100% ready, then it would save people’s lives in the field.  Someone’s Dad would be coming home because they didn’t trip a landmine or trigger a roadside bomb.  That didn’t make the job less boring, but it gave me a sense of purpose and a better emotional state.

So think: What would you have to focus on to move towards the mood you want?  There’s always an answer.  Find it and write it down.

A: “What Would I Need To ACT On To Feel The Way I Want To?”

Now that you’ve established what you need to focus on, you need to address what kinds of actions you need to take to build up that feeling.  If you’re depressed and you want to feel happier, maybe you ask yourself, “How can I help 3 people today?” and you do something simple like send an encouraging email, or meet them for lunch, or just send $25 to a charity of your choice in someone else’s name.

Action is important because it’s extremely difficult to feel your way into a different way of behaving.  You know this, or you wouldn’t be stuck in the first place.  When you’re feeling scared or mad or depressed, you can’t just manufacture emotion to get yourself going.

But if you do something – if you take action – you can behave yourself into a different way of feeling.  And it doesn’t have to be directly related to your own issue if that’s causing you friction.  If you hate your life situation and you can’t figure out how to make it better, then focus on helping 5 other people feel better.  Be an encourager, and that will help you pull out of that sense of depression.   Trust me, it works, because it breaks your pattern of feeling helpless and connects you with other people.

But that’s just the start – it’s all well and good to take external actions to get your emotions jump-started, but you also need to get a sense of the actions you need to take relative to your own problems.  In the FOCUS step you will probably come up with things you need to not only focus on, but actually do, and you need to make a list of those actions and start running with them.

Sometimes that’s hard to do – the motivation wanes – and that’s when you fall back on the FOCUS step again.  It will help you get in a better frame of mind to take action.

Moving on, you’ll also need to ask yourself,

S: “What Would I Need To SURROUND Myself With To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is an overlooked concept when it comes to mood change.  Your surrounding environment plays a huge factor in your mood, and if you don’t consciously take control over it, you’re leaving power “on the table.”  When you arrange your environment in ways that empower you, the chances of you keeping the mood you want to be in go through the roof.

Right now I’m writing this while listening to epic soundtrack music – I personally find that isolating my ears via headphones and keeping high-adventure music going keeps me focused and motivated.  It’s hard to feel complacent when listening to instrumental tracks like “A Storm Is Coming”  and “Rise of the Destroyers” are drowning your ears in epic symphonic goodness.

I know that this kind of music helps me kick ass, but you’ll have your own environmental triggers. Maybe it’s classical music or R&B, or maybe it’s just the silence of an empty room (or noise-cancelling headphones).  Maybe it’s a clean desk, or maybe it’s a desk littered with action figures and crazy stuff.  Maybe it’s wearing your favorite hat, brewing a certain kind of coffee or lighting some incense.

It doesn’t matter what it is - it just matters that you become aware of it, and you leverage it to help create the emotional state you want.  Whether it’s keeping the counters clean, making the bed, soaking in hot bath or cranking up Aerosmith, get a feel for what makes it easier to be in the moods you want to be in.  Then make it easy to build that environment when you need it.

T: “What Would I Need To TELL Myself To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is where it all comes together – the part where the rubber hits the road and you have to fight against the emotions you want to move away from.  This is where the previous steps all kind of combine and you create this little script you can say to yourself, a litany of conscious choice, as it were, to recalibrate yourself when you’re struggling.

Maybe it’s something like this for the freaking-out-about-the-job-loss example:

“I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now.  I’m going to focus on the resources I have, like the 50 past co-workers who can get me leads, the job boards online and the in-demand skills I can show on my resume.  I have  everything I need to make this crazy time less crazy and I know what to do next.

I’m going to make a plan for getting (or creating) the job I want and set aside 3 hours a day to take serious action.  I’m going to neaten up my home office so I can think straight, and make it a relaxing place to work in the meantime.”

If you read this over and over again, what do you think would happen?  Would you keep freaking out about your job?  Or would you start feeling a little bit better?

Yeah, This Takes Some Work, But What The Hell Else Are You Doing?

Most people, if they’ve read this far, will say, “That’s too much work, Dave.”  But seriously, if you’re paralyzed and feeling terrible, you have time on your hands already. You’re just using that time to stew in the emotion instead of making it finite and taking action. I know how it feels, I fight it all the time.

But this is a way out – or at least the beginning of the way out for you.  And it’s easier than you think, because once you understand this process, 9 times out of 10 you won’t have to use all of it.  You’ll just be sitting there stewing and say to yourself, “What would I have to focus on right now if I wanted to get my ass up and exercising?” or “What would I need to change about my surroundings right now to feel a little bit happier?” and that will be enough to get moving.

The quality of your life revolves around the quality of the questions you ask yourself on a minute-by-minute basis.

If you ask yourself, “Why me?” or “What can I possibly do?” you‘re going to be paralyzed.

If you ask yourself “What can I do next, from where I am, with what I have,” you’re going to put yourself in a position of strength.

Ask better questions.  Train yourself to be the sculptor of your moods, rather than being tossed about by urgency and externalities you can’t control.

You can do it.  I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dave

PS – I think this article can help a ton of people.  Please link to it and spread it on social media sites right now if you agree, even before you leave a comment.

It doesn’t really matter why you’ll get pushback, though, because it’s generally not the kind of thing you can resolve via conversations.  You’ll just have to accept the fact that sometimes they may react by trying to talk you out of (or prevent you) from taking action that’s congruent with your core decision.

This post isn’t about how to change their minds – it’s about how to take care of yours.

One of the inevitable things that happens when you decide to make a significant change in your life (changing careers, getting divorced, or changing/beginning religious beliefs, for example) is that people close to you who disagree with your decision will react very strongly against it on the grounds that “you” have changed – which usually isn’t true.

All that’s really happened is that you’ve gotten honest with yourself about who you are and realized that you can’t keep living in a way that’s incongruous with that any longer.  But because others don’t see that, it can really throw you for a loop and make you feel like your world is turning upside down.

I know I sure felt that way last month when I filed for divorce.  My family and social circles have had a very strong religious affiliation, so this went against the grain like you wouldn’t believe.  Tempers flared and things got messy very, very quickly. It’s been a very emotional process, but fortunately I’ve been able to cope because I took specific action steps before (and during) the transition period.

Here are a few of the things I’ve done to keep sane and grounded – and that I wager will help you navigate your transition as well.

• Find experienced people to talk to. People who have been through what you’re going through can save your bacon by helping you understand what feelings are normal and expected (as well as how to effectively cope with them).  In my case, having people who have gone through divorce on call has helped me stay on an even keel when emotions run high.
• Keep things objective. Friends and family often are too invested in how your decision changes things for them to be objective about what is “right.”  Talking to people who don’t have “skin in the game” and can be objective is a life saver.
• Avoid hostile people. If people around you are reacting via passive-aggressive behavior (or outright rage), bullying you or actively retaliating against you, do not engage.  This can be incredibly tough when people you care about are trying to sabotage your attempt to live a congruent life, but you have to hold strong.  Make it clear you’re not going to react to provocation.
• Get spiritually grounded. This means different things for different people, but it’s important.  Whether you’re meditating on the beauty of nature, studying your book of choice or participating in the traditions of your faith, there’s a healing effect that happens here.  When I walked into the cathedral for Mass yesterday morning I felt an instant sense of relief knowing I could put my troubles aside for an hour and tap into a support structure greater than myself.
• Talk to counselors if you can. This is especially helpful when your decision is particularly massive, such as in the case of divorce.  It was very helpful to hear from experienced professionals that my reactions to fallout (as above) were healthy and normal, and that having people disagree with you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
• Get plenty of sleep and take care of your body. The stress of a major decision in combination of fallout from others can shake to your core if you don’t take care of yourself.  Get a good night’s sleep, no matter what.  Get exercise.  The long walks and physical exercise I’ve been getting over the last month have been critical in helping me keep things together – don’t neglect this.
• Eat and drink things that will fuel you. This is the time when you need to watch what you put in your body.  Drink plenty of water and juice, and load up on fruits and vegetables, even if you don’t want ‘em.  You want to keep your energy levels up and your body topped off with all the nutrition it needs to keep you strong and focused.
• Accept that you’ll freak out sometimes. You won’t be strong every day.  Some nights you’ll cry for an hour into your pillow.  Sometimes the stress of people you care about reacting so harshly against you will hit you like a crashing wave.  Sometimes you’ll miss the old way of living, even though you know the change you made was for the best.  This is natural.  Don’t fight the wave, but give yourself a chance to let it crash over you and dissipate.  “This too shall pass.”
• Speed dial. When you’re feeling down, have a few people on tap to call and get advice and support from.  Don’t push though a painful time alone.  Having a wide range of people I can call or email at any hour of the day and who will be there for me has helped me immeasurably through this time.  Do everything you can to use this resource, too.  You’d be there for your friends without question – remember, they feel the same way about you and are happy to help.

I hope this helps you – and here’s what I want you to do now.

• If you’re going through a tough time now because you’re getting more honest about what you want out of life (and you’ve had the courage to begin changing things), then use the tips above to help you cope with strength in this challenging time.
• Retweet this post via the button below and share these tips with others.

Stay strong, and spread the word -

Dave

It’s called “7 Steps To Playing A Much Bigger Game,” and it’s been responsible for a lot of people making huge jumps in their life and business.

If you haven’t read it, you can download it free right here.  And if you have read it, you should download it again and go through the workbook with fresh eyes.  (I may even make this a yearly reminder, because the content is that important.)

If you’re stuck with results you don’t like in life and business, you need to consider changing your game.

You only get answers to the questions you ask.  And the size of your question determines the size of your answer.  So if you’re asking weak questions, like “Why isn’t this working?” or “How can I do a little bit better than in the past?” you’re going to get answers that do a poor job of empowering you.

But if you ask the big questions – if you ask yourself how you can leap way ahead of the results you’re getting now … well, now you’re talking.  Your brain will work overtime to come up with answers.  (And the free workbook will help you ask those questions.)

Ready to ask the questions that will help you play a bigger game?  Here’s how to do it.

• Download, print and go through the free 7 Steps To Playing A Much Bigger Game workbook.
• Share this post by clicking the retweet button below.
• (And if you want 3 more free workbooks, check out the Launch Coach Library)

Share and Enjoy -

Dave

Sit with the emotions that decision stirs up for a minute.  Think of why it seems so scary, so complex, so hard to deal with.

And then listen with an open mind when I tell you you’re probably blowing it out of proportion.  (I know.  I do it all the freaking time.)

Just because a decision is hard doesn’t mean it is complicated.

Big decisions often seem like the hardest things in the world, but that difficulty is often self-generated because we add all this baggage around it.  We worry about all the “fallout” from the decision, and we let that create this ominous Cloud of Crazy that shields us from ever making a decision.

Here’s an example:  About 6 months ago I quit my day job after being in the computer industry for over a decade.  I liked the paycheck, but hated the work experience (I realize now that I’m patently unemployable, because I just hate taking orders).

So the decision was simple (but hard): Work my ass off to build a business that would give me freedom.

But as I got closer to making it real, the decision became really complicated and emotional:

• I’ll have to do all this business paperwork, and I have no idea where to start.
• What will all the people who depend on me at work do?  I was pretty central to the operation, so I knew that it would be hard to replace the roles I filled.
• How would I feel about leaving my team?  I hated my job, but I loved the people I worked with.
• How would I train a replacement to do the things I did, the way I did them?
• What would I do about insurance?  And taxes?  And this and that and the other thing?
• What would my friends think?  Would I still have friends?
• What would my relatives think?  Would they give me constant flack?

… and so on, and so on.  The thought of quitting work became a hugely stressful event because I worried about the “fallout,” and it helped me do just enough self-sabotage that I kept myself a safe distance from having to make a decision.

But it’s not the fallout that matters.  It’s the decision.

Ultimately, I had to face the fact that I just couldn’t live in that job, in that industry anymore.  It was crushing me & bleeding my will to exist out a bit more each day, and I reached a breaking point where I realized that I couldn’t not make the decision.

The fallout didn’t matter. Well, sure, it mattered in that it was important to deal with, and it was real, but it wasn’t a valid excuse to avoid making the decision:

• Either do something unsatisfying with the rest of my career … or do something I love.

Once I focused on that (and told myself I could handle the fallout when it came), the decision was made.

Walking in and giving notice was a very hard thing to do, but it wasn’t complicated.  It was dead simple.  Either-or.

The thing is, you can handle the fallout.  Really.

Here’s the deal – scary “end of the world” things are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.

We survive. Others survive.

The world doesn’t end because we had to make a decision that inconvenienced ourselves (or others).

And sometimes it’s like a band-aid – it hurts like hell while you’re tearing it off, and then it feels better.

In fact, sometimes everyone ends up better off, because there’s a relief, a closure in the decision being made.  You can finally move on.  Everyone else, can too.

(And as surprising as it was to me, my day job team still survived after I left.  Who knew!)

Life goes on.  And often time, it gets better.

Focusing on the fallout is a convenient distraction, and that keeps you safe from making decisions.

It’s not easy to compartmentalize the fallout and really take a long, hard look at the simple-but-painfully-hard decision.

But if you want to move forward, it has to be done.

Think of a decision you’re avoiding.  Ask yourself if you’re focusing on the fallout, and using that as an excuse to avoid the decision.

Life is pretty fucking tough.  Please don’t make it harder on yourself.  You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I have my suspicions that you’ll rise to the occasion.

You get to live this life exactly one time, and you don’t want to look back 10 years from now wishin you had the stones to make the tough call.

If it helps, imagine that you had a friend that was struggling with this decision, and you could truly look at it objectively.  What would you tell them?  Then tell yourself.

Easy?  Hell, no.

Complicated?  It doesn’t have to be.

Easier said than done?  Hell, yes.  But that’s not an excuse for not doing it.

So here’s what I’m going to tell you to do right now …

1. Pick one decision you’ve been putting off now and name it. Whatever it is that you’ve been telling yourself you need to do, but “It’s just so hard …”  - pick it and decide you’re going to separate the decision from the fallout.   Do it now – even before you leave a comment.
2. Then leave a comment below and let me know that you’re going to act on your decision, and tell us what it is if you’re up to it.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  This is an important message, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

Somewhere on one of my old Brian Tracy CDs there’s this great line he says about how in order to really take control of your life you have to first realize that no one is coming to your rescue.  If you want your life to be different, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make it happen.

Steven Covey also talks about the dangers of the “rescue fantasy” in one of his books, saying how too many people think that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future.  We’ll get that raise, and then we’ll be able to get out of debt.  Someone new will date us, and finally, things will go smoothly.  Someone will offer us a better job, and then everything will be okay.

Except life doesn’t work that way.  Nothing is going to make your problems “go away.”

No one is coming to your rescue.  And that’s good news.

We buy into all these little “someday” ideas in our life – “Someday, when I have this, I’ll be happy.”  Or “Someday, when this circumstance changes, everything will be better.”  We’re unhappy about something now, and we fall for the scam of external happiness – the idea that something outside of us has to change before we can actually feel happy and fulfilled.

But here’s the cruel thing – even when that circumstance changes, or when you get that thing you’ve been angling for, you won’t be happy. Things won’t be okay, because there will be a new circumstance you want changed or a new thing you want.

There will always be another external factor for you to be unhappy about, because if you’re miserable, it’s because you’re not cultivating the practice of gratitude and happiness in your own life.

The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating inside you.

I speak from experience.

The last two weeks have been absolutely miserable for me (again, this was in June 2009), because I’m trying to make a major change in my circumstances right now, and it’s extremely difficult and it’s not happening fast enough. (If only X or Y or Z would happen, then everything would be okay!)

I’ve spent two weeks living in almost paralyzing frustration looking for a quick-fix solution to my situation.  And then I get blindsided with this, from Mahala Mazerov:

At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are.   I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January.  In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it,  and use it as a means of cultivation. My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience.

You really need to step away from this blog and read this post of hers, right now.

Mahala goes on to say that a lot of our suffering comes from getting stuck on our desire to have things be different right this instant and that taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.

And I have to say, I agree.

When we cling to our rescue fantasy, we make life more difficult.

One major change I made this weekend was to stop wishing that my circumstances were different right now and to start focusing on the question how can I grow as a person through the process? Maybe the reason I’ve been so damn unhappy isn’t because I’m not at the finish line right now, but that the waiting is revealing weaknesses in my attitudes, my self-discipline, and my willingness to push myself harder in the areas that matter.

We all want “things to change and be better” when perhaps we should be focusing on becoming better in the process of moving towards that change.

Otherwise, when things do get better, we’ll still be carrying all our current baggage into the next job, the next relationship, the next whatever … and we’ll be just as unhappy.

I’m not feeling the frustration of last week right now because I’ve abandoned my rescue fantasy. I can see some personal shortcomings I need to address between now and that near-future tipping point, and I can also see how the waiting period can give me the much-needed time and incentive to become a more balanced, relaxed person.

The “pain” of waiting is actually a pretty damn good gift, if I just choose to unwrap that sucker and use what’s in the box.

A change in circumstances does not equal a rescue (it’s more of a bailout, and we see how well those work).

You need to rescue yourself from your frustration, right where you are, right now.  People with far worse circumstances than you are refusing to play the victim every day – step up and join the ranks.

So here’s what I’m going to tell you to do right now …

1. Pick one rescue fantasy you have right now and name it. Whatever it is that you’ve been telling yourself will be better one day when things are different – pick it and decide you’re going to change the way you look at it.  Do it now – even before you leave a comment.
2. Then leave a comment below and let me know how you’re going to reframe this situation as a call-to-action to be a stronger person.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  It got great response the first time, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

The thing is, the time didn’t go anywhere.  It’s was there, waiting for you to be focused enough to take action.

Here’s the thing:  Your action-taking muscles will serve whatever seems most important to you in the moment. Sometimes what’s more important to you in the moment turns out to be protecting yourself from discomfort (in which case the action you take is really “inaction.”).

Other times that action will be something that’s aligned with your true goals in life, and that’s pretty sweet.

But a more likely scenario is that something urgent will come into your field of vision and that urgency will give it a sense of inflated importance - and you’ll focus your action-taking muscles on that, forgetting about your true goals.  Making other people’s inflated sense of urgency will become a habit, and you’ll strengthen the habit of serving what’s screaming loudest at any given moment.

And weeks/months/later, when you’re wondering “where did all the time go?” you’ll feel sad.  Very, very sad.

Let’s talk about how to fix this problem so you can get what you really want in life.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with urgencies – sometimes the things that pop up truly are important, and you have to take care of them right then and there.  But once you take care of them, you need to get back to what’s truly important in your life.

And in some cases, the urgent thing that pops up really does need to be taken care of … but just not right this second.  It won’t end the world to make it wait just a little bit, so you can keep focusing on what’s truly important. Instead of breaking away to distraction, schedule the urgent thing at a time when it won’t get in the way of your true goals.

But in reality, “getting back to your goals” doesn’t always happen.

The problem comes when we handle an urgency – whether now or later – and we don’t snap back into focusing on our true goals.

(Actually, the real problem may be that you haven’t strongly and clearly defined your true goals in the first place – but for the sake of this post, let’s assume you have.)

You need a simple, easy-to-use mechanism for keeping your goals in front of you at all times – and keeping yourself re-committed to those goals.   If you don’t have this, urgency will rule your life.

One of the simplest ways to do this is to get a stack of index cards and keep them by your desk.  Every morning, re-write your most important “true” goals in life on them to re-commit yourself to making those your priorities, the things that you spend your time working towards.

The “every morning ” part here is important, because the act of writing those goals regularly is an exercise in conditioning your brain to think “These are the things I really want to make happen.”  Unless you work at conditioning that sense of clarity in your mind, you’re going to be more susceptible to getting caught up in distraction.

Do this every day, and it will begin to get harder and harder to stay off track.  An urgency will come up, and you’ll power through it, thinking “I need to hurry and get back to (that important goal).”  Or an urgency will come across your desk and you’ll say “You know, I’ll schedule this for the weekend, or for the end of my workday.”

Develop this habit, this focus, and you’ll get massive results.  (As I get ready to publish this, I see Glen Allsopp has writen on this as well, so there’s some backup if you need it.)

Do you have the guts to write down your most important goals every single day?

I say “guts” because this takes real courage – it means that you’re establishing a baseline level of accountability in your life to really work on these goals each day, each week, each everything.

You can start small – just write out a few basic quality of life goals (meaning you don’t have to say “I’m going to make a million dollars,” you can just say “I’ll stop work at 5 and have time with my family.”)

Whatever you focus on, you’ll gravitate towards.  What ever you remind yourself is important wil remain important, even if the voice of urgency gets loud.

It’s your life.  You can let it pass by, or you can rock it.

So here’s what I’m going to tell you to do right now …

1. Pick five important goals and write them down somewhere, right now. Index card.  Notebook.  Back of that piece of paper that’s been sitting on your desk forever, I don’t care.  Do it now – even before you leave a comment.
2. Then leave a comment below and let me know that you did it, and where you’re going to write these goals out daily.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  I hope it’s been “clicking” for you, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

But fifteen years later, I can see the more relevant meaning, and I’m about to share with you why Getty’s concept, perhaps more than anything else you might ever read, could be what gets you everything you want for the rest of your life.

In short, it all comes down to your personal expectation as to whether or not you’re going to ultimately succeed.

That’s it. That’s where it all starts. I can say this because that’s how reality works – you’re not going to get anything if you don’t work hard to achieve it. But you’re not going to work hard in the first place unless you have a strong enough expectation that you’ll be successful (or at least be successful at learning from the experience).

This is just how life works. Your motivation to take action, and to follow through until the job is done, is directly proportional to your belief that you will succeed. (Side note: In some cases, the belief in success isn’t even necessary – instead, you might be motivated by the fact your action will serve a higher cause, such as a ‘failed’ protest sparking a larger public awareness down the road).

If you break this concept down to the simplest parts, what you have is this:

When you believe strongly enough that you will succeed at something, success is practically guaranteed – not because your belief creates the result, but because you don’t give up taking action on a massive level until you get what you want.

When you believe that success is inevitable, you are able to put aside the idea that “failure,” in the conventional sense, is a bad thing.

Instead, it’s just a specific attempt that you can learn from. Another life lesson to be accepted and consumed, not feared.

When you believe that success is going to be the end result of you never giving up, then you are going to attack your objective with a greater energy, a greater passion, a greater work ethic. You’re going to be excited about what you’re doing, because you know that it matters. You know that whatever it is you’re doing, it’s adding value that will eventually translate into the result you want.

That unwavering belief lets you focus your thoughts on questions like “How can I … ?” rather than “Why can’t I … ?”

The perspective of certainty gives you the ability to see obstacles as not these things that stand in your way, but instead as challenges that fuel your growth.

I experienced this myself as a ten year old kid in Brooklyn, New York. A horrible turn of events led to me ending up all but homeless until I was taken in by a relative who was both an alcoholic and a drug user.

Years later, after I escaped the constant surroundings of drugs and violence, people remarked to me how surprised they were that I had avoided getting involved in drugs, alcohol, or any of the gang activity that was so pervasive during those years. Rather than any of that, I pretty much was a straight-A student who stayed out of (too much) trouble.

I always found it a bit mystifying that while some people believed it was a solid foundation of strength that kept me on the straight and narrow, the thing that really kept me safe was that I didn’t really accept the idea that I could get involved in any of those things in the first place. I just didn’t know any better – I thought it was “normal” that I was supposed to avoid them.

I just didn’t see it as possible or reasonable for me, so I never thought about it. Those things were problems “other people” got involved in, but not me. In fact, I viewed the daily challenges I faced as tests that were there to make me stronger, so one day my life could make some kind of difference. And poof – that’s exactly what happened.

The point of all this is that all of my actions were driven by a firm belief that I would succeed eventually.

That I would get through it all and come out okay on the other side. That I would strike oil. And it’s no different than the mindset you have to adopt to make any of your goals/dreams/objectives a reality.

There’s an old saying, “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” While it sounds good on the surface (and it is, don’t get me wrong), it’s not perfect. Sure you could say what you would attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail, but that doesn’t help you when your brain is shouting, “Hey dummy, you’re probably going to fail, don’t you realize that?” The original question is a good start, but it needs to be taken a step further.

Instead of wishful thinking about what “could” happen, I’ve found a better question is “What will you attempt knowing that you will ultimately succeed, despite all the ‘failures’ that are sure to come along the way?”

Because, face it, life is going to throw some pretty rough stuff over to you. You’re going to have a lot more go wrong than you’d ever hoped for. But getting what you want requires blood, sweat and tears, and that needs to be seen as part of the package. One of your strongest success factors will be your willingness to package this in as part of your expectations.

So let’s talk about setting expectations.

An expectation, in it’s most literal sense, is a certainty that a specific result will occur.

If you’ve got a major goal that want to achieve, you need to have at least five things straightened out before you can really attack it full force.

#1 – You have to have the expectation that you (specifically YOU) can achieve this goal.

This one is a biggie. People typically have a lot easier time believing something is “possible” than believing it’s “possible for them.” They don’t fully believe that they will be capable of achieving a goal because they are missing something – the time, the talent, the resources, whatever. They have an unwritten expectation that they will not be one of the people who “has what it takes.”

That’s a load of garbage. If you believe that, even just a little bit, then it’s going to seriously damage your ability to take action. You’re never going to give 100% and stick with it until the job is done. If this is you, you need to fix this first.

#2 – You have to have the expectation that you will close the resource gap, no matter how wide it is.

This one is also a biggie. It’s easy to look at a large goal and feel like the distance between it and you is too wide. After all, how can you compete with the biggest successes in the world, who are already established? You can find out how by studying the people who do it every day, like skinny, broke college kid Michael Dell who took on IBM and Hewlett-Packard (and won). If you’re reading this years from now, a hundred other stories just like his will have come and gone.

You have to, have to, have to believe any resource gap can be closed. A lack of time, money, manpower, connections … it all doesn’t matter, because there’s a number of creative solutions out there that you’re going to come up with to overcome all that.

If you don’t believe the resource gap can be closed, it won’t, because you won’t take full-out action to make it happen. But if you have the expectation that it will eventually be resolved, guess what’s going to happen.

#3 – You have to have the expectation that you will find a solution to every problem that will inevitably come your way. Every one.

You can’t guarantee a problem-free life. But you can guarantee that you see a ‘problem’ as an opportunity, so rather than being drained by the challenge, you are energized.

Chew on this and decide how you’re going to make this shift in thinking.

#4 – You have to have the expectation that every action you take matters. Every damn one.

This is critical. When you think taking action won’t matter in the long run, you simply won’t do it. But when you recognize that action accumulates – that the pyramids are built brick by brick, and every one matters, you’ll be willing to take action even when you don’t feel like it and your heart’s not in it.

Remember, everything you do matters. If you don’t think it does, then you need to make that shift as well.

#5 – You have to believe that you can accelerate the process of getting to your objective.

This one’s my favorite. As you improve the discipline of following through and taking action on a consistent basis, you’ll want to find new forms of leverage to make the journey to completion a lot shorter. This is what leverage is all about.

By holding onto the firm expectation that you can find ways of leveraging all your resources, you’ll be subconsciously looking for ways to make that happen, and as a result you’ll find a lot more of them. And that will get you to your goal faster. Much faster.

So, I hope I’ve sold you on the power of expectation to get what you want, whatever that means to you. If not, then read this article again and again until it sinks in. And then put your expectations to the test and get them correctly aligned.

It’s a bit of work, but if you do it you’ll start seeing better results than you’ve ever seen before in a lot less time than you might imagine (unless your expectation is to see results right away.

So here’s your homework …

1. Pick one important goal and get your expectations put in writing so you can drill them into your brain and use them to your advantage. Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.
2. Leave a comment below and let me know what those expectations are.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  I hope it’s been “clicking” for you, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” – George Bernard Shaw

I’ve always loved this success quote, because it takes a common perspective on life – namely, that life is a series of events you have to react to – and turns it on it’s ear. In reality, where you end up has less to do with your circumstances than with where you decide to go in spite of your circumstances.

The decisions you make in the thick of today’s circumstance are the defining factor in what your circumstances will be in the future.

You do this by deciding that you’re going to overcome today’s circumstances, no matter what they are.

But this is easier said than done. It’s easy to let the circumstances of our day – our current financial picture, our current relationships, our current motivation levels – and see them as the defining factor of where our life is headed. It’s a simple thing to let yourself be discouraged by all the things that are going wrong and feel that you can’t easily stage a turnaround.

But “easier said than done” doesn’t get us out of responsibility.

Even though it’s not easy, no one is going to change your life except for you. Only you can create your own circumstances. But to create the powerful circumstances that you want to call your future – in spite of the challenges you face in today’s circumstances – you have to understand a few fundamental things about how circumstances work.

And to understand how circumstances work, you’re going to have to “unlearn” a few of your preconceptions about them. I’ll refer to these preconceptions as “myths” since they aren’t true (but seem true!). Then I’ll drill down to the rules about how they really work. I’ll call those rules the “Laws of Circumstance” here because I don’t have anything snappier to call them (oh well).

Myth#1: My circumstances prevent me from doing what I want to.
Law #1: A circumstance is a fact. A circumstance with an opinion is an excuse.

This is a tough law to swallow, because we all like making excuses. Excuses help us get out of taking action as well as help us get out of feeling guilty about it. We even have a spiffy word to get us out of calling it an excuse: “rationalization.” But it’s still an excuse, because it’s basically a less painful way of telling ourselves that the situation is insurmountable, and there’s nothing we can really do about it now.

Of course, that’s a load of crap. We might say something like, “I wish I had the time to start a business, but I’m already working two jobs (or I have two kids to take care of). I just don’t have the time.” Listen to the message of this statement: I don’t have the time because I have two jobs (or two kids).

Here’s the problem: one is not necessarily linked to the other.

It’s a fact that you have two jobs, or two kids, or whatever. But that’s all it is – a fact. In reality, all it is saying is that for a certain number of hours a day, you are dedicated to your work / your kids, and that those hours are off limits. That’s a plain, emotionless fact – and nothing more.

But when you add opinion to the mix, you get into trouble … into rationalization … into excuses. You start to see this fact as the defining factor that dictates what you can and can’t do. And that tends to stop you in your tracks.

You become saturated with the emotional equivalent of a brick wall – the feeling that because of X, you can’t do Y. And you don’t take action – or worse yet, you take a halfhearted action and don’t it follow through to completion (leaving you feeling even more disempowered).

And that’s the danger of rationalization.

It keeps you in a disempowered state of mind and makes you feel that there’s no real chance for improvement, because you’re taking your circumstance (fact) and taking it to a less than logical conclusion.

I say less than logical because we generally don’t use real logic when dealing with circumstances – in other words, we don’t ask ourselves how to change those circumstances, or how to work around them.

We say “I don’t have time because I’m working two jobs” and stop there, rather than apply logical thinking to the situation: How can I free up time elsewhere? or How can I change my job situation so I’m not working so many hours?

The most malicious part of rationalization is the sudden stop it puts on our creative juices, our ability to work ourselves out of a situation. Our excuses literally excuse us from taking the (often difficult) action of “rising above our circumstances.” We all do it – I do it, you do it … but you’ve got to stop doing now (or, at least begin the process of stopping!).

So how do you do this?  You basically decide you’re not going to take no for an answer when it comes to your goal. When you decide that – and I mean you make a firm commitment not to settle for leaving your goal behind – you can rise above your current circumstances and create new ones.

It’s not a matter of “working harder” – it’s a matter of working until it gets done, period. Circumstances (facts) are not supposed to prevent action (but they do because of the emotion we attach to them).

Check out the dictionary definition of circumstances:

cir·cum·stance:

1. A condition or fact attending an event and having some bearing on it; a determining or modifying factor.
2. A condition or fact that determines or must be considered in the determining of a course of action.

Look at both of these definitions. Neither of them says our common view of a circumstance: something that prevents us from getting what we’re after. Both of these definitions call circumstances a condition or fact that forces you to have to adjust to it as you follow through on your course of action.

Let’s apply this right away in your own life with a simple but extrordinarily effective exercise:

1. Consider one circumstance that you feel is the “brick wall” preventing you from getting the goal you want.
2. Now, imagine that you had no choice but to accomplish your goal. Imagine it as a life or death situation.
3. Brainstorm as many ways as you can to work around this circumstance or negate it entirely (even if it’s not an easy thing to do). Take your time doing this, because remember – you absolutely have to make this goal happen. Your “circumstance” cannot be used as an excuse.
4. Get cracking. Now. Your goal is waiting.

I truly hope that you don’t blow this exercise off – because it’s easy to do. You’re may be telling yourself, “This won’t work,” or “I don’t have the time to do this,” or “i don’t think I can pull this off …”

Just keep in mind that those thoughts are a load of … well, you know. Your mind is going to fight you with excuses and rationalizations because there’s that part of you that resists the possibility of failure, or resists the challenge of hard work … but you have to tell that voice to shut up. You have to stand up to it.

Myth#2: My circumstances make things harder to accomplish.
Law #2: Circumstances are strength training exercises designed to make you more powerful.

“No pressure, no diamonds.” – Thomas Carlyle

This quote really hammers home a timeless truth about circumstances. We tend to want to view problems as things that make things harder on us, when the opposite is true - they are actually incredible opportunities to push past our limits, and become stronger. And that strength will serve us exponentially as we move forward to our goals.

Remember that old 80’s movie The Karate Kid? The New Jersey teenager, Daniel Larusso, asks this Japanese neighbor Mr. Miyagi to teach him the secrets of martial arts for an upcoming karate tournament. So Mr. Miyagi agrees – then promptly puts him to work sweeping his yard, painting his fence, waxing his car.

Daniel got pretty ticked off at this … here he was asking for martial arts training and he was given the gruntwork of taking care of Mr.Miyagi ’s property. Finally he gives up and says “I’ve had it!” He tells Mr. Miyagi that if he’s not going to teach him how to fight, he’s out of there. He’s tired of working on things that have no bearing on his goals for the future.

And here’s the part of the movie where everything became clear. Miyagi throws a punch at Daniel and suddenly his arm flys up to block it – exactly as it had a thousand times before as he painted the posts of Miyagi’s fence. He tried to trip Daniel with his foot, but Daniel pivoted out of his way without thinking – exatcly as he would have moved if he was sweeping Miyagi’s yard.

Finally, it clicked. Miyagi had Daniel doing grunt work to train him in the basics of movement that would prepare him for greatness in the ring. Because he toughed out the work in front of him, he would have the skills to use in the arena.

Now, your circumstances are no different. You may have things that seem like roadblocks in front of you, things that are getting in the way of you reaching your goals … but they aren’t roadblocks. They are tests. They are the challenge you face to create more discipline, more courage, more staying power, more creativity … everything you will need to meet your goals in the future.

Think of it this way: How do you build muscle? By lifting weights. Heavy weights. And when you get used to them, you increase the weight. That’s the only way to do it.

So take another look at your circumstances. What if you stopped looking at that situation as a roadblock and instead decided to take it as a challenge you are destined to work around? Decide for yourself right now that it’s not an obstacle – it’s simply a weight, one you will find a way to lift, no matter what.

The pressure is on in your life because there’s a diamond in the making. So leverage that pressure and find out how to what’s currently challenging you into one of the best things that ever happened to you. Get to it now. You’ll thank yourself for it.

So here’s your homework …

1. Consider one circumstance that you feel is the “brick wall” preventing you from getting the goal you want.
2. Now, imagine that you had no choice but to accomplish your goal. Imagine it as a life or death situation.
3. Brainstorm as many ways as you can to work around this circumstance or negate it entirely (even if it’s not an easy thing to do). Take your time doing this, because remember – you absolutely have to make this goal happen. Your “circumstance” cannot be used as an excuse.
4. Get cracking. Now. Your goal is waiting.

Just one more thing before you go …

I’d like to ask you to do one important thing for me – spread the word about  this article.  I hope it’s been “clicking” for you, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

And when you’re done with that, use the comments below to tell me how you’re going to quit allowing “circumstances” to rule your life.  Do it today – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

We don’t think it will ever change on its own.  We don’t think we can change it, either.  And so we’re stuck settling with it.

The thing is, this very thought is the highest and grandest form of bullshit, and I’m calling you (and myself!) out on it.

What you have to understand is that we’re not the victim of anything, ever.  When we feel powerless over our situation we’re not victims – what we’re really doing is choosing to become a martyr, because that’s the easy way out.

Now, before the comment flames start, let me clear in saying that I’m not implying that the bad things in your life are your fault.  What happened in the past happened, for whatever reason it happened, and I’m not going there.  Someone may have done terrible things to you, or maybe it was just a circumstance of life, and not any particular person’s fault – but you were dealt whatever cards you were dealt, and no one can change the past.

But how you play those cards that you have – that’s the present, and that’s all under your control, even if you like to tell yourself a sad, sad  story that it’s not. You may be telling yourself you’ve “done your best,” but in reality, you’ve just folded at the table and said the game is over.

(Keep in mind that I’m writing this post to myself, and including you in on it, lest you think I’m being high and mighty.)

You see, we’re really and truly addicted to our sad, sad stories.  They let us stay safe, instead of enduring the terror of facing ourselves and the bittersweet pain of growth.

You know what’s really, really easy?  Telling ourselves we have no options.  You know what’s really, really hard?  Taking responsibility and taking action.  Because a lot of times, the action we secretly know we need to take is uncomfortable and scary and something we just would like to pretend isn’t an option … so we come up with all sorts of stories why those options aren’t valid for “someone like us.”

“I’m too old.”  “I’m not old enough.”  “I’m not smart enough.”  “It’s too late for me.”  “I don’t have _____.”  “I’m not the kind of person who could _______.”  And the kicker, “You just don’t understand,Dave.  I ________.”

No, I understand perfectly.  And here’s what I understand – no matter what it is we struggle with, no matter what sad, sad story we tell ourselves, there is someone out there who is weaker than we are, worse off than we are, more tired/afraid/screwed up than we are … who is overcoming our problem without complaint.

It amazes me how many people with “nothing” end up accomplishing and overcoming more than people with “everything.”  So it’s not about resources.  It’s not about courage or willpower or talent or skill.  It’s about a simple decision that losing is not an option that’s going to be considered.

When you decide in your heart that you are going to refuse to lose, you change your entire mindset – your strategy, your reactions, everything – and you tackle your burdens from a whole different angle.  You stop accepting the “victim” mentality and you start looking for anything and everything that will help you make one of two changes:

Change #1:  Changing Your Circumstances / Your Situation

Changing your circumstances can take a hell of a lot of work, and that’s why most people never do it.  The people who don’t change their circumstances focus on their ideal situation and how it’s impossibly out of reach for them (so what’s the point of even trying?).  Every potential option is met with an excuse, a reason why it won’t work for them.

Again, I’m not being high and mighty here.  I’m an excuse maker extraordinaire, and as I’m said I’m writing this post to myself (but I’m betting that you can relate).

Think about the resistance you feel to options when they’re presented to you.  Think of the excuses you make, all the flaws in the strategies you take based on what you imagine might happen if you tried them.

If you dig deep enough you’ll realize that the real roadblock for you isn’t that you “can’t” make something work, but that you “won’t” do it. The fear, the excuses, the worry about the consequences taking action … that’s what’s really in your way.

I want you to read this Copyblogger article, On Dying, Mothers, and Fighting For Your Ideas, because it’s absolutely stunning.  It’s about a baby named Jon Morrow who was diagnosed with a medical condition that would undoubtedly kill him by the age of two, and a mother who called bullshit on that diagnosis and committed to doing whatever it took to keep him alive.  (Twenty five years later, she’s still on the winning side).

Was it because she was Superwoman?  No, it’s because she was committed.  And commitment is different than desire.

• With desire, you often say “I wish it were this way …” and because that seems too far away, you don’t take action.
• With commitment, you say “What’s one thing I can do right now to make this a little bit closer to the way I want it to be – even if it’s hard to do it?”

Jon Morrow’s mom didn’t say, “How can I have a healthy 27 year old?” – instead she said “I have a 2-year old with a serious condition – what do I do next?”

There’s power in “next.”  You can handle “next.”  Maybe next won’t work this time, maybe it will.  You’re guaranteed to have failures and successes, but the point of it all is that it’s almost inconceivable to be truly out of options. Sure you may not like the options in front of you, they may be uncomfortable and painful and require you to demonstrate greater courage than you have in the past, but they are options.

So stop hiding behind “I can’t” and admit that the issue is really “I won’t.”  Because when you stop hiding behind the excuse and call yourself on the carpet, something miraculous often happens: you suddenly develop the courage to give that option a try.

There’s something almost magical about facing your fears – the act of doing so can make you realize that you don’t really have to be afraid, that the downsides to “failure” aren’t such a big deal and that you’re braver than you think.  Or maybe it’s just the embarrassment behind facing up to “I won’t” that makes you decide “I will.”

The bottom line is that you have options.  Don’t hide behind imagined roadblocks and pretend they’re taking away your power.  Truth is, you’re giving it away.  Stop focusing on how you’d like things to be and instead focus on what single thing you can do today to move yourself forward.  Do that, and you’ll get there eventually.

But circumstances aren’t everything, and sometimes you don’t even have to change them to make a huge stride forward in your life.  Sometimes all it takes is …

Change #2: Changing What The Situation Means To You

You can’t change the past, but you have total control over your personal interpretation of what the past means to you.  And your personal interpretation – your “story” – is 100% your responsibility.  You can’t push that onto anyone else, because what goes on in your head is your own doing – you own it.

And owning your story is a very, very good thing, because that means you can do anything you want with it.

This is another situation where you have a choice:  You can either give away all your power and let other people / circumstances create a  sad, sad story for you or you can decide that you’re going to thrive in the midst of the crap you’re going through and use it to empower yourself instead of drain you.

Bad cards get dealt to you, I understand that.  And I also understand that we picked a few of those bad cards ourselves.  Crap happens, and while I truly don’t mean to devalue the very real pain of your past, I urge you to consider the present, and how you need to take ownership of your interpretation of those events.

You can let the pain of the past drag you down, or you can “refuse to lose” again and decide that you’re going to use the pain to create a positive experience in the present and future.

When I was 9, my family imploded.

Within a span of months, one of my parents was murdered, the other went to prison, and two of my siblings were sent to the other side of the globe for their safety while my older brother and I lived out of suitcases in New York City with whoever would take us for a while.  I moved frequently over the next few years, making friends and losing them every time I moved to a new part of the state (sometimes with only a few hours notice).

Eventually, I had to run away to a different part of the country and hide out for months for my own safety, as the environment in the last place I lived in New York escalated from alcoholic to drug-abusing to violent.

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me.  Screw feeling sorry, because at my worst I had it better than the millions of people starving and dying in third-world countries.  But it was still a lot of negative influence for a pre-teen kid to soak in.

I guess I could have let it get to me, but I didn’t (and it wasn’t because I was a particularly strong 9-year old).  What really happened – and I remember it well – was I was sitting by myself one day asking myself why all this happened to me, and what was the meaning behind it. Where was the good in all of this – what was the point?

But there was no point.  It was just circumstance, and violence, and pain, and none of it for a good reason. I felt alone, like no one could really help me, and I was too young to help myself.

And that simply wasn’t good enough for me.

I distinctly remember thinking “Screw this, if there’s not a point here I’m going to damned well make one, because that’s the only way I’m going to get through this.”

• I decided – at 9 years old – that I was going to ask myself, “What good thing am I going to create out of this situation?” and I let that question drive my life.

• I decided I would enjoy the hell out of other people’s company, because I might never see them again.

• I decided that when I saw people hurting, I would try to help them, because maybe no one else would.

• I decided that when people thought things were hopeless, I’d try and help them find something to hold on to, because that kind off help is desperately needed.
• I decided that instead of perpetuating the cycle of problems that my parents and grandparents suffered through, I’d try to break it.

I have failed at all of this – a lot – because I’m just as fragile and fallible as anyone else. But I have also succeeded at this enough to feel like this mindset is critically necessary.  The commitment to creating good out a bad experience is the antidote to so much pain, and I urge you to commit to it in your own life.

You can rewrite your sad, sad story into one that’s not devoid of sadness, but is bittersweet in the way that the pain is transformed into meaning.

I don’t know why all the painful things in life happened to me, and frankly it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is the meaning I’ve injected into it.  I’ve used my bittersweet story to help people from all over the world over the last 25 years since I was dealt a bad hand.  I’ve solved people’s problems.  I’ve had the humbling privilege of preventing suicides.  I’ve inspired people not to give up – which I still believed is one of the highest callings we have access to as human beings.

I always hear the example of Nelson Mandela, who took his 25 years in prison and instead of looking at it as unjust punishment, framed it as an opportunity to mentally prepare for leading his people in the future.  Bad cards become better.  But the problem with that example is it makes us think “Well, I’m no Mandela.  I’m just me.”

I’m no Mandela.  I’m not uncharacteristically special, or talented, or anything you can’t be.  I’m just a gap-toothed Italian kid from Brooklyn, and all I did was refuse to let the pain of my circumstances be in vain.  I couldn’t find any good in my circumstance, but I damned well decided to create some.

And I challenge you to do the same.  Embrace the pain you’re feeling right now. Ask yourself how you can guarantee that your suffering isn’t in vain.  Help people.  Help yourself.  take your sad, sad story and use it for good.

Every great story has sadness in it.  You treasure the bittersweet stories you read because they connect with the pain you know is part of the reality and the good you believe just has to be there in the midst of it.

Make your own story bittersweet.  If you can’t change the past, change your present.  And write your own future.

I needed to write this for myself – but I hope it has helped shake things up for you as well.

I’m having to face a few places in my life where I’m letting my own sad, sad story hold me back from being  the things I need to be for my family and for others.  Areas where I’m clinging to my own insecurities and weaknesses instead of facing my deep fears and taking responsible action to make things better.

I know I’ll get through them eventually, because I refuse to lose.  But I just felt the need to be honest with where I am.  I’m no saint – I screw up just as much as anyone else.  But I’ve been stewing in guilt for too long instead of getting off my ass and making myself get some of my stuff sorted out.  No more.

I hope you’ve found these 2500 words helpful.

Just one more thing before you go …

I’d like to ask you to do one important thing for me – spread the word about  this article.  I think it’s one of the most important I’ve ever written, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

And when you’re done with that, use the comments below to tell me how you’re going to rewrite your own sad, sad story into something better.  Do it today – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

But if you haven’t been able to change that bad habit into a good one, I’ll bet that there’s another force at work:

Painful Truth #3: If you try to change a habit in a vacuum, you’re screwed.

What a lot of people do when they want to break a habit is they decide something like “I’m going to stop doing X:”

• “I’m going to stop drinking caffeine.”
• “I’m going to stop smoking.”
• “I’m going to stop wasting money.”

These are all great ideas for habit change, but the problem comes when it’s time to face the reality that stopping something can be pretty damned difficult.  Everything’s fine for a few days, but then the cravings to slip back into the old patterns of behavior begin – or worse yet, a new, similarly destructive pattern rises up to replace it.

Sure, you may stop smoking, but you turn to eating more to compensate and pack on the pounds (or if you’re like me, you cut out the soda and coffee and then experience massive sweets cravings).

Or maybe you just binge after a while – you try not to waste money for a few weeks, and then make a bunch of really stupid, pointless purchases to compensate.  We’ve all done it.

Sometimes it seems like the mental energy you put into resisting that bad habit builds up until it can’t be contained anymore, and then you find yourself feeling like a fool for having backtracked on your journey to a better life.

And there’s a reason for that: it’s true.

I’m not calling you a fool, but you may be doing something fool-ish …

Here’s the problem: if you just try to stop doing something, it becomes a battle of wills between your own deeply established patterns of behavior and this new idea that you’re going to stop it.  Nine out of ten times, the wimpy newcomer idea is going to get trounced because its strategy is foolish.

Trying to “stop” a pattern by sheer willpower is not a strategy. But gradually conditioning a new, enjoyable behavior is – and it works.

The problem most people have with habit change is they want to stop doing something that gives them a comforting, familiar payoff and they don’t know what to replace it with.  There’s this big vacuum of “what do I do instead?” and the answer is usually “I dunno” or it’s something that’s less than enjoyable.

You want to stop eating junk food and you don’t know what else to eat, so you backslide.  Or you tell yourself you’ll eat bran and broccoli instead, and you backslide.  And you feel foolish (because your approach is foolish).

What you need to do here is replace the bad habit you have now with a more enjoyable alternative – something that has a payoff that makes you actually feel good.  That’s how you build up a new pattern of behavior that serves you.

Essentially, you focus on the new payoff – not the pain of habit change – and it becomes easier.

Every time I quit caffeine (because all too often I got stupid and relapsed), I knew I was a total soda hound and I knew I’d think water was plain and boring.  Recipe for failure.  I was conditioned to that sweet, carbonated experience first thing in the morning.

So each time I quit, I’d stock up on naturally flavored seltzer water to drink instead of soda.  It took a while to get used to the taste (it stings!) but it satisfied the carbonation and cold-sweet-liquid craving.  Once I got used to that, drinking “plain old water” didn’t seem as boring.  Now I drink plenty of plain water, and mix it up with the seltzer when I feel a sweet craving.

It’s not always easy, but it’s a new, established pattern that gets stronger every day.  Gradually I’ll phase out the seltzer water, but for now it keeps me on track.

Another thing I did when I first quit was take a short walk when I felt a craving coming on. I knew I wanted a soda because I was having an energy crash, so I started taking a quick stroll outside the building through a wooded area in the back for just 5 minutes.  I knew that would give me an energy boost and it was enjoyable, so it helped a lot.

The important thing here is you can’t just stop a pattern – you have to replace it with a new pattern, and it has to be something with a payoff you want to experience.  Sometimes the new pattern is physical, like seltzer water or a walk in the woods.

Sometimes the new pattern is mental, like having a script you say to yourself in your head to talk yourself into better behavior (see How To Train Yourself To Be In The Mood You Want).

Te key here is you have to have an alternative.  Don’t fight the pattern.  Fight to create a new one.

Now Here’s The Part Where I Tell You To Do Stuff

Here’s what I want you to do right now while this is all fresh on your mind:

1. Think of one habit change that’s been using the useless “stop” pattern and decide you’re going to create an enjoyable alternative.
2. Take 5 minutes right now and brainstorm that alternative pattern.
3. Leave a comment and tell us about what you’ve come up with. Leaving a comment will make you accountable for creating an alternative and the process will be a relief.  If you don’t want to put your real name, just put “Ass Kicker” in the name field.
4. Click the Twitter link below and spread the word about this article.

Have at it.

Empower yourself.

That is all,

Dave