Somewhere on one of my old Brian Tracy CDs there’s this great line he says about how in order to really take control of your life you have to first realize that no one is coming to your rescue.  If you want your life to be different, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make it happen.

Steven Covey also talks about the dangers of the “rescue fantasy” in one of his books, saying how too many people think that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future.  We’ll get that raise, and then we’ll be able to get out of debt.  Someone new will date us, and finally, things will go smoothly.  Someone will offer us a better job, and then everything will be okay.

Except life doesn’t work that way.  Nothing is going to make your problems “go away.”

No one is coming to your rescue.  And that’s good news.

We buy into all these little “someday” ideas in our life – “Someday, when I have this, I’ll be happy.”  Or “Someday, when this circumstance changes, everything will be better.”  We’re unhappy about something now, and we fall for the scam of external happiness – the idea that something outside of us has to change before we can actually feel happy and fulfilled.

But here’s the cruel thing – even when that circumstance changes, or when you get that thing you’ve been angling for, you won’t be happy. Things won’t be okay, because there will be a new circumstance you want changed or a new thing you want.

There will always be another external factor for you to be unhappy about, because if you’re miserable, it’s because you’re not cultivating the practice of gratitude and happiness in your own life.

The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating inside you.

I speak from experience.

The last two weeks have been absolutely miserable for me (again, this was in June 2009), because I’m trying to make a major change in my circumstances right now, and it’s extremely difficult and it’s not happening fast enough. (If only X or Y or Z would happen, then everything would be okay!)

I’ve spent two weeks living in almost paralyzing frustration looking for a quick-fix solution to my situation.  And then I get blindsided with this, from Mahala Mazerov:

At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are.   I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January.  In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it,  and use it as a means of cultivation. My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience.

You really need to step away from this blog and read this post of hers, right now.

Mahala goes on to say that a lot of our suffering comes from getting stuck on our desire to have things be different right this instant and that taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.

And I have to say, I agree.

When we cling to our rescue fantasy, we make life more difficult.

One major change I made this weekend was to stop wishing that my circumstances were different right now and to start focusing on the question how can I grow as a person through the process? Maybe the reason I’ve been so damn unhappy isn’t because I’m not at the finish line right now, but that the waiting is revealing weaknesses in my attitudes, my self-discipline, and my willingness to push myself harder in the areas that matter.

We all want “things to change and be better” when perhaps we should be focusing on becoming better in the process of moving towards that change.

Otherwise, when things do get better, we’ll still be carrying all our current baggage into the next job, the next relationship, the next whatever … and we’ll be just as unhappy.

I’m not feeling the frustration of last week right now because I’ve abandoned my rescue fantasy. I can see some personal shortcomings I need to address between now and that near-future tipping point, and I can also see how the waiting period can give me the much-needed time and incentive to become a more balanced, relaxed person.

The “pain” of waiting is actually a pretty damn good gift, if I just choose to unwrap that sucker and use what’s in the box.

A change in circumstances does not equal a rescue (it’s more of a bailout, and we see how well those work).

You need to rescue yourself from your frustration, right where you are, right now.  People with far worse circumstances than you are refusing to play the victim every day – step up and join the ranks.

So here’s what I’m going to tell you to do right now …

1. Pick one rescue fantasy you have right now and name it. Whatever it is that you’ve been telling yourself will be better one day when things are different – pick it and decide you’re going to change the way you look at it.  Do it now – even before you leave a comment.
2. Then leave a comment below and let me know how you’re going to reframe this situation as a call-to-action to be a stronger person.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  It got great response the first time, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

I recently had a week of exactly that.  It was curious.  And by “curious” I mean fricking hell.

So, How Do You Cope With “Hell Week” (or Month, Or Year …)?

There are only three ways of coping with a sudden trip into unrelenting hell:

1. Snap.  Messily.
2. Go numb. Stay numb.
3. Get through it, and get stronger.

Obviously, the first option isn’t one you want to take.  Lots of lawyers and dry cleaning involved.  The second option isn’t much better – I’ve done it many times, and in the long run, it’s not a much better option than the first one.  But there’s a third option, one where you decide you’re not going to settle for anything less than getting through this ordeal a stronger person. That’s where you want to be.

Yeah, I know.  It’s not easy.  But it doesn’t have to be as insanely difficult as we make it out to be.

What To Do When You’re Stuck In A Rut

You’re going to have times when you feel like your emotions are out of control.  You’re horrifically depressed.  Uncontrollably angry.  Unreasonably scared.  Stuck in a rut.  Entering the downward spiral.  Locked into a pattern of frustrating, paralyzing, you-don’t-wan’t-this-but-can’t-change-it emotion that makes you hate your life and where you are.

And the worst part of it is, no one is coming to your rescue. No wave of a magic wand will help you feel better, and no cheery “You can do it!” advice is going to break the hold of how you feel.  And to make matters worse, Dave is going on and on about how bad you feel and still hasn’t gotten to the part where you can start feeling better.

This Is The Part Where You Can Start Feeling Better

Throughout my week, I’ve had to deal with enormous frustration and bouts of near-depression about things that seemed to be controlling my life in ways that I didn’t like.  It was rough as hell, but the only thing that kept me from snapping messily was focusing on one simple phrase that helped me break the pattern of pain and move on with my day:

“I don’t have to feel this way.”

These seven words may not sound like much of a solution, but stop and think about it: When you’re locked into an emotion that’s controlling your attitude, you tend to feel powerless to change it.  Powerless. And that’s precisely why that emotion has a hold on you the way it does – you feel like there’s no way out, no matter how hard you try.

And in a way, you’re right.  “Trying” doesn’t seem to work most of the time.  You’re feeling defeated and drained, and you’re not in a good position to put up a fight against an unusually strong emotion.

So don’t fight it.  Accept what you’re feeling in the moment, and realize that your feeling is driven by what you’re focusing on in the moment (namely, all the stuff that sucks so horribly).  Take ownership and admit that you are feeding this feeling by focusing on all the things you don’t like about your situation.

And don’t feel bad about it.  Don’t beat yourself up about it (because that only feeds that feeling further).  Simply accept that this is a cause-and-effect thing, and that it’s part of being human, and that even the person you think is the most stable, “can-do” person you want to strangle has crap days just like you do.

And then repeat to yourself,

“I don’t have to feel this way.”

Things Change When You Take Responsibility For Your Feelings

You see, we feel like crap because we imagine that life does things to us, that bad situations make us feel bad.  But you know from your own experience that it doesn’t have to be that way – you’ve been in plenty of situations that sucked where you’ve been the voice of reason – the one who was able to stay in a constructive mood even when other people didn’t.

How did you do it?  It wasn’t magic.  It wasn’t willpower.  And it wasn’t positive thinking – it was realistic thinking. Somewhere along the line, you realized that feeding yourself depressing thoughts was going to depress you, and you didn’t want to settle for that. You wanted more. And you told yourself that you didn’t have to feel this way.  You focused on something good, or you just focused on the fact you’d get through this in one piece and that if you ripped the band-aid off fast enough, the pain would only be temporary.

In other words, you refused to let the world play you for a sucker and drive your feelings, and you put both hands on the wheel and refused to let go.  All you have to do now is remember you’re the one in the driver’s seat.

Breaking The Pattern = Hope (A Much Stronger Position)

When you’re mired in a strong emotion, it’s easy to feel that it’s hopeless to fight it.  But when you focus on your own ability to choose things instead, you put yourself in a stronger position, one where you can make a difference.  You recognize that emotions don’t control you – you control emotions, and that makes all the difference in the world.

When you tell yourself, “I wish I felt better,” you feel powerless.  There’s not much hope for change there.  But when you tell yourself, “I don’t have to feel this way,” you’re giving yourself the option not to feel this way, and that’s an option you didn’t have before when you were focusing on the big scary emotion.  You’re reminding yourself to be reasonable about the whole thing.  You’re reminding yourself that you’re stronger than you’re currently giving yourself credit for.

And stronger is a good place to be.

How To Break Your Pattern And Start Feeling Better

When you feel like crap and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, simply say to yourself, “I don’t have to feel this way.” If that doesn’t immediately help, repeat to yourself “I don’t have to feel this way.” If it still doesn’t help, repeat it again: I don’t have to feel this way.” And again.  And again.  And again.  And AGAIN.

Focus on opening up new options for yourself.  Take it to the next level and ask yourself what you could do to feel differently: “I don’t have to feel depressed about my job.  If I wanted to feel better, I’d focus on <insert something I’m taking for granted>.  If I wanted to feel better, I’d remind myself that <insert something that gives you perspective on something good in your life>.”

Remember, your emotions run on a cause-and-effect pattern.  Use that (instead of being used by that).

The key to this is repetition.  On some level you’re going to resist feeling like you should have that much control over your feelings, because the part of you that wants the easy way out (or is simply intimidated by the strong emotion) is going to tell you there’s no point in trying.  Don’t listen to that voice.

Listen to reason instead.  Listen to hope.  Listen to what’s going to pull you out of this mess.

You have the power to change things – to stop feeding the draining feelings you don’t want and to start feeding the feelings that will help you rock your day and get out of that rut, so you can be the person you know you’re capable of being.

Feed the right feelings. And come back for seconds.  You’ll thank yourself for it.

2 Things You Can Do Now To Make This Message Stick

Ok, so how do we get the ball rolling on this?  Two simple steps:

1. First, think of one specific emotional pattern you’re currently stuck in and decide that you’re going to use this phrase to start breaking this pattern all to hell.  Just pick one so you can focus & consistently attack it this week.
2. Finally, write about the emotional pattern you’re declaring war on this week in the comments.  If you’re worried about giving personal details, put “Ass Kicker” in the Name field below, that’s good enough for me.

The more of you who leave this kind of comment on this post, the more people you’ll inspire to take action.

Leave your comment.  Declare war on this crap emotional pattern.

Do it now.  You’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

P.S. – Once you’re done, hit that “retweet” button below & spread the word so others will be inspired to take action as well.  (And if you’ve come to this post via my Stop Settling newsletter, please forward it to at least one person today who needs to hear this!)

Good Pressure: Stress put on you by yourself that gives you something to shoot for.

The secret of “stress” relief?  Turning Bad Pressure into Good Pressure.

Focusing on the 50 things people expect you to get done today will drain you.  It’s overwhelm.  It’s too much, it’s out of your control.

Focusing on getting the task in front of you done in 25 minutes instead of 30?  It’s a race against yourself, a chance for you to prove how kickass you are (and at the least, to do some “heavy lifting”) that will make your focus muscles stronger.

If you don’t like the pressure you’re under, rewrite the rules for how you’re positioning it to yourself. Don’t let other people do the positioning – put some spin on it that makes the pressure work for you rather than the other way around.

It’s not about productivity, or organization, or “peak performance.”  It’s about feeling good about yourself, shedding some stress and focusing on becoming a more capable person, because that’s something that makes the next 30 minutes easier to deal with.

Do this: Take something you’re stressing about doing and find a way to break it down into smaller tasks you can devote overwhelming short-term focus (10-20 minutes) to.  Close the browser.  It’s only 10 minutes.   Close the office door (pretend you’re on a call if you have to).

Just take 10 or 20 minutes, tell the world to screw off, because instead of stressing about the crushing pressure of the Overwhelming Task, you’re going to focus on the “good” pressure of proving yourself – even if it’s only for 10 minutes.

Do it now. It feels damned good.

Then do it again, and again, and again.

Don’t settle for external pressure that crushes you when you can leverage some internal pressure that drives you to rock your day instead.

Get to it.

This has certainly been a challenging and thought-provoking action-provoking series of posts at Rock Your Day.  I hope all my regular readers are feeling a little more balanced than this time last week.  But the ride’s not over yet – today we’re going to talk about how to take your regrets - those things that have been gnawing at your conscience and keeping you up at night – and turn them around so you can pack more of what matters into your life before it’s too late.

Why We Avoid Thinking About Our Regrets (And Why We Shouldn’t)

As human beings we tend to avoid pain whenever we can, and thinking back to missed opportunities and bad choices is a pain most of us simply don’t want to deal with.  When phrases like “too late,” “if only,” and “the best years of my life,” start rattling around in our minds, we tend to try to find something else to think about (or worse – we don’t – and we end up locked into a period of depression).

And that’s natural.  When we regret things, we acknowledge that we’ve screwed up, that we’ve either damaged something beyond repair or missed an opportunity that will never come again.  Maybe it’s a career choice.  Maybe it’s our approach to being there for other people in our lives.  Maybe it’s a lifestyle choice that leaves us tipping the scales or tempting fate.  Whatever it is, it hurts, and it hurts a lot.

And so we feel like crap, and many times we try to find something to numb the agony, like food, or TV, or web surfing – or tragically, by hating ourselves for our choices and feeling paralyzed by the pain. But coping by distracting yourself isn’t coping at all – and in fact will only open the door to more choices that will give birth to more regret.

But we shouldn’t let regret weigh us down and sap our energy, because regret isn’t supposed to do that at all.  Regret isn’t supposed to be a psychological punishment or purgatory for our past transgressions – it’s supposed to be an indicator that something about your habits and behaviors must change, right now, damn it.  Instead of feeling that our brain is beating us up and sending us on another guilt trip, we need to realize that it’s actually trying to help us by slapping us hard in the face and shouting “snap out of it and get your a$$ in gear!” And that’s a message that’s just too important to ignore.

How To Turn Paralyzing Regret Into Energizing Action

There’s no magic formula or easy way out of regret – the pain and emotion is very real and very powerful.  But you can chip away at it, bit by bit, by shifting how you react to it and how you talk to yourself when you are experiencing it.  Here’s a simple 7-step process that will get you on the road to transforming paralysis into power.

• First, prepare yourself by deciding that you will now look at regret as the voice of an inner friend of sorts rather than an adversary, as someone who is trying to make you realize that you can do more and have more of what truly matters in your life.  Tell yourself it’s all right to hear the voice of regret, because it’s really there to help you (although it’s help of the ‘toughlove’ variety).

• Then, take control by confronting your regrets head on.  Don’t wait for something to trigger a memory, catch you by surprise and depress you when you guard is down.  Take the initiative and ask yourself “What do I regret about my personal choices and behaviors over the last 5/10/etc. years?”  And then listen.  Really listen.

• Next, focus on one of those regrets and ask it/(yourself), “Ok, I’m listening.  What are you trying to tell me about how I should live my life differently?”  Then listen.  Take your time.  Discover what it is you know you should be doing and what behaviors you need to change (or attitudes you need to move past) in order to get more of what matters in the future.  Get clear on what needs to change.

• Then, ask yourself “What will I lose if I don’t do this?”  Look ahead another 5/10/etc. years and see what will happen if your present behaviors continue.  Taste the flavor of potential regret and let the reality of the situation sink in: this will be your future if you do not change.

• Next, decide that you will not settle for that fate and that you will take control, no matter how hard you have to push yourself.  Grit your teeth.  Put your foot down.  Draw the line.  Get frustrated enough that finally, damn it, you’re going to make the necessary changes, even if it hurts

• Now, come up with a simple sentence you can repeat in your head to remind yourself what your new standard is (For example: “I refuse to let work force my family time onto the back burner.  I put family first, and schedule work in around it.”).  Since you have to break an existing habit, you need something consistent you can repeat over and over again so that you can snap yourself out of it when you’re lapsing into your old behaviors.  This is the most critical step; if you have trouble breaking a habit, 99% of the time it’s because you’re not doing this step, and you let the urgencies of life sidetrack you.

• Finally, ask yourself “What do I need to focus on to make this change easy?”  This will be a change in perspective for most people because we believe that habit change is hard.  It’s not necessarily hard (read: difficult) as much as it is hard work (read: putting in effort every day).  But there are things you can do to make it easier.  Enlist someone’s help.  Get a coach or a friend to hold you accountable.  Find ways to make the process less painful (too much to go into now, but I may write on this later).  The point is, if you ask yourself “How do I make this easy?”, and you keep asking yourself that, you’ll come up with answers you can use.

The Big Question:  What Should You Change?

Your regrets are little messengers telling you something.  They’re putting pressure on you to do something different now, before it’s too late.  What are your regrets telling you?  As you go into your week, mull over these areas where we tend to have the most regrets:

• Family – What did you miss out on growing up?  Are you leaving the same legacy for your family, or pushing for something greater?

• Career – Is the cost of what you’re pursuing worth it?  Are your fears holding you back from taking bold steps?  Are you going through the motions or training yourself for a better tomorrow?

• Self-image – are you beating yourself up for something that happened a long time ago?  Are you holding on to limiting beliefs that keep you from pursuing opportunities to show what you secretly believe you’re really made of?

I’m sure there could be a hundred bullet points here, but the important thing is to listen to that internal voice that’s nagging at you to change something now, befor it’s too late.  Don’t let regret for past action/inaction hold you back from doing something today that will make life better for you and those who you care about.  You can’t store time in a bottle.  But what you can do is drink today deeply, down to the last drop.  Don’t waste a sip.

Confidence is your #1 asset. It gives you the guts to take your message to the world and ride it to #1 on the charts. But there’s a funny thing that happens when you hold your message up to the world’s scrutiny – sometimes that world doesn’t like you. In fact, in a world of 6 billion people, there are a whole mess of people who won’t agree with what you have to say.

The Sad, Sad Story of Bob

This is what happened to Bob, a coaching client of mine who called me yesterday for a stern butt-kicking in the confidence department.  (Yes, “Bob” is not his real name, but it’s the best you get at 5:23am.)  Bob’s a business powerhouse, a strategist and mentor who has stepped into companies and made them millions of dollars before he steps out.  Bob knows his stuff.

But at a recent roundtable, Bob was mentoring a few people on better business strategies when one person raised her hand and said “Bob, that’s all wrong.  What you’re saying won’t work.”  The rest of the table looked at Bob in bewilderment, because they knew that when they applied Bob’s strategies, they worked very well.  They shrugged the naysayer’s comment off and put Bob’s strategies into action that week (and guess what, they worked just as Bob said they would).

But it wasn’t so easy for Bob to shake it off.  As he drove home that night the comment kept playing over and over in his ears.   What if she was right? It worked this time, but what if it fails next time? Suddenly, Bob felt insecurity creep in, and over the next few weeks his confidence suffered.  He didn’t push his students as hard, and he was feeling pretty low.  The “What ifs” were fueling his insecurity.

I’m sure you can relate, because we all can.  In fact, James had to give me an a$$-kicking about this just last week, so the solution was fresh in my mind.  What do you do when you’re afraid that people won’t approve of you, or they’ll say “you’re wrong,” in front of others?  Insecurity sucks, to be sure, but fortunately for us it has a weak spot.

How Bob Got His Groove Back (And So Can You)

Bob had the same insecurity problem you and I have from time to time – we’re feeling the sting that occurs when someone’s opinion makes us doubt ourselves.  This opinion can be real (like the one of Bob’s student), or it could be imagined (”What if X doesn’t agree with me?”).  Both sap your confidence and diminish your potential for a$$-kickery.

What I told Bob to do is a simple solution that has worked for me, and doesn’t cost a dime.  It’s a confidence-booster that works like crazy, and all it takes is a piece of paper, or a file on your computer.  Here’s how it works:

1. Pick an insecurity that’s bugging you.  Let’s say you’re starting a business, and you’re worried that the service you’re selling won’t be “good enough.”
2. Comb through your emails, letters, remembered phone calls and conversations and copy everything down that supports how much you rock.  Every “Thank you,” every “Great job,” every “Holy —-!” that people have passed along to you as a result of your rocking out and rocking out hard.
3. Read this over and over again, every time you feel that insecurity rise up.  Remind yourself why you rock.

It’s that simple.  Bob came to me worrying “What if I tell someone to do X, Y, and Z, and they fail?”  I countered with “Bob, tell me about the last 5 people who rocked out like superstars because of your advice.”  Bob had no problem delivering the goods.  We ended the conversation with Bob feeling powerfully confident about himself and his abilities.  And the same solution will work for you.

1. Define what you fear you’ll suck at
2. Gather evidence that says “No way, bucko – I rock!”
3. Drill that stuff into your head.  Again.  And Again.

Will Bob’s advice be a winner for 100% of the people he talks to?  Surely not.  But realizing that the wins he’s creating far outshine the losses crushed his insecurity flat.

What Groove Will You Get Back Today?

Take 2 minutes to think about what’s stressing you, what you worry about.  Then take the steps above and see what happens.  Keep that list handy, and enjoy the results. And leave a comment to tell the world why you rock!

If this post rocked your day, subscribe to this blog for more of the same!

“Heart patients can dramatically lower their chance of having more cardiac problems by utilizing stress reduction techniques …” Source: CNN.com

Wait a minute – 1997? That’s hardly news, is it? But still, how often is a big chunk of our stress in the here and now is caused by the “Oh, crap, I don’t have enough time to get it all done” blues? Far too much, even a decade after this not-particularly-groundbreaking study.

In light of that, I’d be remiss if I let any of my valued subscribers keel over and walk toward that big, white light for lack of a potent and simple stress-busting tip. Here’s a winner for you (and remember, I just saved your life, so you owe me. )

The Big Tip – Remind Yourself That It’s The Moment That Matters.

Sure, you have 525 things you need to be doing.  22 phone calls you have to return.  8,299 emails that are still clogging your inbox.  All those things cause you stress, because they are all (still) undone. (STILL.)

You want to drop that stress? Remind yourself that even though you have 525 things you need to be doing, you can only do one of them now.  Then just focus on doing that one thing.  Then focus on doing the next thing.  And the next.

The Take Away: Thinking of what you can’t get to now stresses you.  Focusing on what you can get to now gives you that sense of progress you’re hungry for.

But It Can’t Be That Easy, Can It?

Of course it’s that easy.

• You’re working on a project, and you stress about your business plan?  Remind yourself you’re doing something that matters and you’ll get to that other thing later – then get back to work, so you don’t make yourself a liar.
• You’re researching a topic, and you stress about how you don’t have time to study that marketing course you bought?  Remind yourself that if you focus and nail this research ASAP, you might just make some extra time for that later – then get back to work.
• You’re doing X, and you can’t stop thinking about Y?  Smack yourself, shake it off, and remind yourself that you have to go through X to get to Y, and get back to X.

Stressing over a too-full plate means that you’re spending time looking at that plate rather than chomping bite after bite after bite off of it.  More bites = smaller plates = less stress = hooray.

The antidote to stress is action.

KA-CHOMP.