But fifteen years later, I can see the more relevant meaning, and I’m about to share with you why Getty’s concept, perhaps more than anything else you might ever read, could be what gets you everything you want for the rest of your life.

In short, it all comes down to your personal expectation as to whether or not you’re going to ultimately succeed.

That’s it. That’s where it all starts. I can say this because that’s how reality works – you’re not going to get anything if you don’t work hard to achieve it. But you’re not going to work hard in the first place unless you have a strong enough expectation that you’ll be successful (or at least be successful at learning from the experience).

This is just how life works. Your motivation to take action, and to follow through until the job is done, is directly proportional to your belief that you will succeed. (Side note: In some cases, the belief in success isn’t even necessary – instead, you might be motivated by the fact your action will serve a higher cause, such as a ‘failed’ protest sparking a larger public awareness down the road).

If you break this concept down to the simplest parts, what you have is this:

When you believe strongly enough that you will succeed at something, success is practically guaranteed – not because your belief creates the result, but because you don’t give up taking action on a massive level until you get what you want.

When you believe that success is inevitable, you are able to put aside the idea that “failure,” in the conventional sense, is a bad thing.

Instead, it’s just a specific attempt that you can learn from. Another life lesson to be accepted and consumed, not feared.

When you believe that success is going to be the end result of you never giving up, then you are going to attack your objective with a greater energy, a greater passion, a greater work ethic. You’re going to be excited about what you’re doing, because you know that it matters. You know that whatever it is you’re doing, it’s adding value that will eventually translate into the result you want.

That unwavering belief lets you focus your thoughts on questions like “How can I … ?” rather than “Why can’t I … ?”

The perspective of certainty gives you the ability to see obstacles as not these things that stand in your way, but instead as challenges that fuel your growth.

I experienced this myself as a ten year old kid in Brooklyn, New York. A horrible turn of events led to me ending up all but homeless until I was taken in by a relative who was both an alcoholic and a drug user.

Years later, after I escaped the constant surroundings of drugs and violence, people remarked to me how surprised they were that I had avoided getting involved in drugs, alcohol, or any of the gang activity that was so pervasive during those years. Rather than any of that, I pretty much was a straight-A student who stayed out of (too much) trouble.

I always found it a bit mystifying that while some people believed it was a solid foundation of strength that kept me on the straight and narrow, the thing that really kept me safe was that I didn’t really accept the idea that I could get involved in any of those things in the first place. I just didn’t know any better – I thought it was “normal” that I was supposed to avoid them.

I just didn’t see it as possible or reasonable for me, so I never thought about it. Those things were problems “other people” got involved in, but not me. In fact, I viewed the daily challenges I faced as tests that were there to make me stronger, so one day my life could make some kind of difference. And poof – that’s exactly what happened.

The point of all this is that all of my actions were driven by a firm belief that I would succeed eventually.

That I would get through it all and come out okay on the other side. That I would strike oil. And it’s no different than the mindset you have to adopt to make any of your goals/dreams/objectives a reality.

There’s an old saying, “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” While it sounds good on the surface (and it is, don’t get me wrong), it’s not perfect. Sure you could say what you would attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail, but that doesn’t help you when your brain is shouting, “Hey dummy, you’re probably going to fail, don’t you realize that?” The original question is a good start, but it needs to be taken a step further.

Instead of wishful thinking about what “could” happen, I’ve found a better question is “What will you attempt knowing that you will ultimately succeed, despite all the ‘failures’ that are sure to come along the way?”

Because, face it, life is going to throw some pretty rough stuff over to you. You’re going to have a lot more go wrong than you’d ever hoped for. But getting what you want requires blood, sweat and tears, and that needs to be seen as part of the package. One of your strongest success factors will be your willingness to package this in as part of your expectations.

So let’s talk about setting expectations.

An expectation, in it’s most literal sense, is a certainty that a specific result will occur.

If you’ve got a major goal that want to achieve, you need to have at least five things straightened out before you can really attack it full force.

#1 – You have to have the expectation that you (specifically YOU) can achieve this goal.

This one is a biggie. People typically have a lot easier time believing something is “possible” than believing it’s “possible for them.” They don’t fully believe that they will be capable of achieving a goal because they are missing something – the time, the talent, the resources, whatever. They have an unwritten expectation that they will not be one of the people who “has what it takes.”

That’s a load of garbage. If you believe that, even just a little bit, then it’s going to seriously damage your ability to take action. You’re never going to give 100% and stick with it until the job is done. If this is you, you need to fix this first.

#2 – You have to have the expectation that you will close the resource gap, no matter how wide it is.

This one is also a biggie. It’s easy to look at a large goal and feel like the distance between it and you is too wide. After all, how can you compete with the biggest successes in the world, who are already established? You can find out how by studying the people who do it every day, like skinny, broke college kid Michael Dell who took on IBM and Hewlett-Packard (and won). If you’re reading this years from now, a hundred other stories just like his will have come and gone.

You have to, have to, have to believe any resource gap can be closed. A lack of time, money, manpower, connections … it all doesn’t matter, because there’s a number of creative solutions out there that you’re going to come up with to overcome all that.

If you don’t believe the resource gap can be closed, it won’t, because you won’t take full-out action to make it happen. But if you have the expectation that it will eventually be resolved, guess what’s going to happen.

#3 – You have to have the expectation that you will find a solution to every problem that will inevitably come your way. Every one.

You can’t guarantee a problem-free life. But you can guarantee that you see a ‘problem’ as an opportunity, so rather than being drained by the challenge, you are energized.

Chew on this and decide how you’re going to make this shift in thinking.

#4 – You have to have the expectation that every action you take matters. Every damn one.

This is critical. When you think taking action won’t matter in the long run, you simply won’t do it. But when you recognize that action accumulates – that the pyramids are built brick by brick, and every one matters, you’ll be willing to take action even when you don’t feel like it and your heart’s not in it.

Remember, everything you do matters. If you don’t think it does, then you need to make that shift as well.

#5 – You have to believe that you can accelerate the process of getting to your objective.

This one’s my favorite. As you improve the discipline of following through and taking action on a consistent basis, you’ll want to find new forms of leverage to make the journey to completion a lot shorter. This is what leverage is all about.

By holding onto the firm expectation that you can find ways of leveraging all your resources, you’ll be subconsciously looking for ways to make that happen, and as a result you’ll find a lot more of them. And that will get you to your goal faster. Much faster.

So, I hope I’ve sold you on the power of expectation to get what you want, whatever that means to you. If not, then read this article again and again until it sinks in. And then put your expectations to the test and get them correctly aligned.

It’s a bit of work, but if you do it you’ll start seeing better results than you’ve ever seen before in a lot less time than you might imagine (unless your expectation is to see results right away.

So here’s your homework …

1. Pick one important goal and get your expectations put in writing so you can drill them into your brain and use them to your advantage. Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.
2. Leave a comment below and let me know what those expectations are.  If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
3. Spread the word about  this article.  I hope it’s been “clicking” for you, and I want it to really get some reach.  Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.

Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.

That is all -

Dave

But lately I’ve had a particularly hard time, as I make some major (positive) changes in my life.  I hit these moments where I’m in a foul mood, or I’m just feeling paralyzed, and I’m just stuck.  Sometimes I just stew in that and stay there, but sometimes I actually get intelligent and pull my way out of it.

I’m going to outline the framework that I’ve been using over the last 30 days to really get myself resourceful and motivated (and in a better mood) when I’m feeling stuck.  Hopefully it will help you, too, and if you do I truly hope you’ll share it with others.

First Up: Using A Framework to Escape From Paralyzing Emotions

When we feel bad, it’s hard to “feel good” again.  You can’t just wish yourself better, and when you’re in a stuck place, you don’t generally have the mental energy to pull out. Willpower doesn’t help, and “positive thinking” sure as hell doesn’t help.  But falling back on a framework of steps does help, because we humans function well when we have a set of steps to follow.

The reason for this is that steps take the emotion out of our situation and give us direction to simply act.  Duck and Cover.  Stop, Drop, and Roll.  When you know with certainty what to do next, you’re in a much stronger position to take action, even when you’re panicking.  (And it doesn’t have to be words, either – just think of Lamaze breathing, which expectant mothers practice well ahead of time so they can slip back into it during the stress of labor.)

You can call these verbal step-by-step tools anchors if you want, because they’re ways to anchor your emotional state to a time where you knew what to do and you felt prepared.  So I’m going to lay out a framework that you can use as your own anchor when you need to reset your mood, and while it’s seven steps long, it’s hella effective at getting the job done.

The seven steps form the acronym ACT FAST, and I picked that because I felt that it was a pretty empowering term as it forces you to presuppose you have a workable course of action.  So let’s dive in.

A: AGREE With Yourself That You Don’t Want To Be In This Mood Right Now.

This seems hokey, but it’s important for this reason: Once you agree with yourself that this is not the right mood for you, you’re revoking permission to stew in your own juices and keep the “pity party” going.  Think about it: When we’re mad, the thing we hate the most is when someone tries to cheer us up, because on some level we want to be mad and stay mad, or be depressed and stay depressed.

And that’s not always a bad thing. Maybe we want to stay sad because on some level we know we need to hang out in this mental state and really look at what’s making us sad, to really connect with it and deal with it instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.  Maybe we want to stay mad because we’re not finished processing our emotions and figuring out what our situation means and what we’re going to do about it.

So don’t take this as me saying “man up and stop crying.”  What I am saying is that at some point if you want to move forward in a functional way, and not feel paralyzed, you need to agree that this stage of emotion has to be finite, it has to come to an end so you can deal with the solution that the emotion demands of you.  When you’re ready to deal with it, you agree with yourself that you’re ready to shift gears.

Let’s say you’ve lost your job and you’re freaking out about what to do.  You could tell yourself something like, “Okay, I’m ready to stop being scared of this situation now.”  Then you move on to the second step.

C: CLARIFY The Mood or Emotion You Want To Move Towards

Now that you’re ready to change, you need to make sure that you know where you’re headed so you have something you can focus on.  It’s not enough to say “I just don’t want to feel this way anymore,” because then you’re still swimming in the Sea of What You Don’t Want.  You need to have a focus.

It could be as simple as defining the mood you want to be in with a single word or two. Resourceful.  Confident.  Infectiously Happy.  Stable.  Calm.  Controlled.  Helpful.  Pleasant.  Civil.  Generous.  Whatever it is, you need to give it a name.

Then you combine it with the last thought, so you can tell yourself something like “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.”

There’s nothing magical about these words, and again, it’s not positive thinking.  This is all about creating something you can say to yourself to pull the emotion out of your mental state and focus on what you can do next and what you can influence.

When you start getting scattered and lose track of where you are, and you’re stressing, you can fall back on your statement: “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.”  You’re putting yourself back in control and you’re ready for the next step.

T: TAKE Responsibility For Taking Immediate Action.

Now that you know what you want to move away from and what you want to move towards, it’s time to face reality: It ain’t gonna happen unless you make it happen.  You’re going to have to consciously accept responsibility for getting yourself in a better state.

This is a big deal, because it means that you‘re going to have to revoke permission to blame other people so you can do this.  Note that I’m not saying that you’re absolving other people of blame – if someone just screwed you over, then they’re still at fault, and you don’t pretend that didn’t happen.

But focusing on that isn’t going to help you get to your desired emotional state.  You have to take full responsibility for what thoughts you’re going to focus on and what attitudes you’re going to reinforce, because no one is going to do it.  No one is coming to your rescue.

You want out of this emotion? You’re going to have to do it yourself.  the good news is you totally can do it yourself, and we’re going to cover that in the next four steps so you can get there.

So now our statement to ourselves gets a little longer – it’s something like, “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now.”

We’re going to move into four questions right now, and you’ll need to memorize them so you can get yourself back on track instantly when you’re backsliding into the emotional state you don’t want to be in.

F: “What Would I Need To FOCUS On To Feel this Way?”

This question is a really empowering one, because it forces you to stop thinking about the things that are draining you and gets you to acknowledge that there are things you can focus on that will give you more mental and emotional energy.

When you ask yourself this question, you’re putting yourself on the spot – you’re saying, “Hey, if I wanted to feel resourceful (for this job loss example), what would I need to focus on?”  You’re presupposing the answer is available to you rather than saying “How do I get out of this funk?”, which is an open ended question that invites an “I dunno …” response.

Think about it. If you were feeling resourceful in this job loss situation – imagine that you were for a second – what would you be focusing on in order to feel resourceful?  Would you be thinking of all your contacts and references, about renewing old work relationships?  Would you be taking stock of all the online job boards, or maybe sites like LinkedIn?  Or would you be revisiting your skills and experience and seeing if another career would be more fun?

Ask yourself this question, and write down the answers. You’ll need that written note to look back on when the painful emotion you’re moving away from resurfaces.  Have a written library of answers to this question and you can benefit from it when you’re feeling emotionally unable to conjure up answers later.

Sometimes the answer can be external as well.  The first part of my career was spent in software testing, and that’s some boring stuff.  It’s frustrating to test the same thing 100 times and not feel totally unmotivated.  But I’d focus on something external – like the road trip I was going to take with this week’s pay – and that would keep me going.

In one case I was testing training Army courseware for avoiding/disarming landmines, and after the 1,000th retest I was so bored out of my skull I wanted to scream. But I told myself that if I focused on testing it until it was 100% ready, then it would save people’s lives in the field.  Someone’s Dad would be coming home because they didn’t trip a landmine or trigger a roadside bomb.  That didn’t make the job less boring, but it gave me a sense of purpose and a better emotional state.

So think: What would you have to focus on to move towards the mood you want?  There’s always an answer.  Find it and write it down.

A: “What Would I Need To ACT On To Feel The Way I Want To?”

Now that you’ve established what you need to focus on, you need to address what kinds of actions you need to take to build up that feeling.  If you’re depressed and you want to feel happier, maybe you ask yourself, “How can I help 3 people today?” and you do something simple like send an encouraging email, or meet them for lunch, or just send $25 to a charity of your choice in someone else’s name.

Action is important because it’s extremely difficult to feel your way into a different way of behaving.  You know this, or you wouldn’t be stuck in the first place.  When you’re feeling scared or mad or depressed, you can’t just manufacture emotion to get yourself going.

But if you do something – if you take action – you can behave yourself into a different way of feeling.  And it doesn’t have to be directly related to your own issue if that’s causing you friction.  If you hate your life situation and you can’t figure out how to make it better, then focus on helping 5 other people feel better.  Be an encourager, and that will help you pull out of that sense of depression.   Trust me, it works, because it breaks your pattern of feeling helpless and connects you with other people.

But that’s just the start – it’s all well and good to take external actions to get your emotions jump-started, but you also need to get a sense of the actions you need to take relative to your own problems.  In the FOCUS step you will probably come up with things you need to not only focus on, but actually do, and you need to make a list of those actions and start running with them.

Sometimes that’s hard to do – the motivation wanes – and that’s when you fall back on the FOCUS step again.  It will help you get in a better frame of mind to take action.

Moving on, you’ll also need to ask yourself,

S: “What Would I Need To SURROUND Myself With To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is an overlooked concept when it comes to mood change.  Your surrounding environment plays a huge factor in your mood, and if you don’t consciously take control over it, you’re leaving power “on the table.”  When you arrange your environment in ways that empower you, the chances of you keeping the mood you want to be in go through the roof.

Right now I’m writing this while listening to epic soundtrack music – I personally find that isolating my ears via headphones and keeping high-adventure music going keeps me focused and motivated.  It’s hard to feel complacent when listening to instrumental tracks like “A Storm Is Coming”  and “Rise of the Destroyers” are drowning your ears in epic symphonic goodness.

I know that this kind of music helps me kick ass, but you’ll have your own environmental triggers. Maybe it’s classical music or R&B, or maybe it’s just the silence of an empty room (or noise-cancelling headphones).  Maybe it’s a clean desk, or maybe it’s a desk littered with action figures and crazy stuff.  Maybe it’s wearing your favorite hat, brewing a certain kind of coffee or lighting some incense.

It doesn’t matter what it is - it just matters that you become aware of it, and you leverage it to help create the emotional state you want.  Whether it’s keeping the counters clean, making the bed, soaking in hot bath or cranking up Aerosmith, get a feel for what makes it easier to be in the moods you want to be in.  Then make it easy to build that environment when you need it.

T: “What Would I Need To TELL Myself To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is where it all comes together – the part where the rubber hits the road and you have to fight against the emotions you want to move away from.  This is where the previous steps all kind of combine and you create this little script you can say to yourself, a litany of conscious choice, as it were, to recalibrate yourself when you’re struggling.

Maybe it’s something like this for the freaking-out-about-the-job-loss example:

“I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now.  I’m going to focus on the resources I have, like the 50 past co-workers who can get me leads, the job boards online and the in-demand skills I can show on my resume.  I have  everything I need to make this crazy time less crazy and I know what to do next.

I’m going to make a plan for getting (or creating) the job I want and set aside 3 hours a day to take serious action.  I’m going to neaten up my home office so I can think straight, and make it a relaxing place to work in the meantime.”

If you read this over and over again, what do you think would happen?  Would you keep freaking out about your job?  Or would you start feeling a little bit better?

Yeah, This Takes Some Work, But What The Hell Else Are You Doing?

Most people, if they’ve read this far, will say, “That’s too much work, Dave.”  But seriously, if you’re paralyzed and feeling terrible, you have time on your hands already. You’re just using that time to stew in the emotion instead of making it finite and taking action. I know how it feels, I fight it all the time.

But this is a way out – or at least the beginning of the way out for you.  And it’s easier than you think, because once you understand this process, 9 times out of 10 you won’t have to use all of it.  You’ll just be sitting there stewing and say to yourself, “What would I have to focus on right now if I wanted to get my ass up and exercising?” or “What would I need to change about my surroundings right now to feel a little bit happier?” and that will be enough to get moving.

The quality of your life revolves around the quality of the questions you ask yourself on a minute-by-minute basis.

If you ask yourself, “Why me?” or “What can I possibly do?” you‘re going to be paralyzed.

If you ask yourself “What can I do next, from where I am, with what I have,” you’re going to put yourself in a position of strength.

Ask better questions.  Train yourself to be the sculptor of your moods, rather than being tossed about by urgency and externalities you can’t control.

You can do it.  I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dave

PS – I think this article can help a ton of people.  Please link to it and spread it on social media sites right now if you agree, even before you leave a comment.

Please re-tweet at the end if you liked it.

This Monday’s Kick: This Is Your Chance

When we’re focused on a goal – especially a big honkin’
one, the finish line can seem awfully far away. And that
distance can drain your desire to take action, because
all you can see is how you’re Not There Yet.

Want to lose 50 pounds, and you still have 49 to go?
… you’re Not There Yet, and your spirits sag.

Want to make $100,000, and you’ve got $99,990 to go?
… you’re Not There Yet, and your motivation slumps.

Want to stop being lazy, and … you still are?
… you’re Not There Yet. And “There” seems forever away.

When you’re in this state of mind, taking action can
be damned hard, because all you’re thinking of is the
problem you don’t want to have and the solution that’s
not yet in your hands. And it drains you.

But you don’t have to settle for that. There’s another way.
Just focus on this very moment as your chance to strengthen
your action-taking muscles.

No, you won’t lose weight by eating well or exercising
today. You’ll achieve that when you eat well almost
every day. So tell yourself “This is my chance to strengthen
this habit again.”

“This is my chance” should be your mantra, and you should
repeat it to yourself every single time you feel your spirits
flagging.

“This is my chance to strengthen this habit.”

“This is my chance to chip away at this fear.”

“This is my chance to build a relationship.”

Whatever you’re resisting (because the finish line is too
far away or too scary), stop resisting. You can’t turn the
tide in a day.

But you can take a few more strokes towards swimming
in the right direction. You can strengthen your action-taking
muscles, if only for the purpose of making it easier next time.

This is my chance.

This is MY chance.

Don’t settle for not taking it, again and again and again.

Changing your life? That’s hard. It’s a lot of work.

Changing what you do for the next 60 seconds? Hell,
you can do that.

This is my chance.

Take it. Now.

That is all,

Dave

But last night, it was the last thing on my mind.  And that’s why it got done.

Trick Your Brain, And You Can Get It To Do Just About Anything

One of the biggest obstacles people face when trying to kick of a new habit is getting started.  Taking that first step, especially when you’re unmotivated, is hard as hell.  Taking action = doing something uncomfortable right now, so you don’t do it.  The pain avoidance part of your brain says “No way.  Hit snooze.”

But you can psych out that part of your brain and pull a fast one on it. Here’s how.

All you have to do is take a preparatory action step at a different time than when you’re actually going to do the task.  For example, last night I looked for my yoga DVD (that took 10 minutes all by itself), popped it in the DVD player, put a bottle of water in the fridge and cleared the floor so I could hit the ground running in the morning.

Now, when I don’t do that, I feel tons of resistance in the morning.  Who wants to wake up just to do a lot of “getting ready” stuff?  That’s not very motivating.  But I was plenty motivated last night, because I could do all that prep work knowing that I wasn’t going to have to do the exercise right then and there. It was still out there in the future.  So there was no resistance.

And when I woke up this morning, it wasn’t 100% easy to get moving and do the yoga, but it was easy enough that I got it done.

Why This Works (And Why You Watch Bad Movies)

Something in our brain is wired to want to complete tasks we’ve invested some level of time/money/energy in.  Once we get started, we feel this nagging feeling like we need to get closure.  This is what gets you to watch the end of a movie even though 30 minutes in you know it’s going to suck – you sit there thinking “I might as well finish it, I’ve been here this long.”  (Aliens Vs Predator, I’m talking to you.)

But you can use this principle to your advantage.  If you take a single preparatory action towards a task, your mind is going to automatically feel less resistance to continue because it thinks you’ve already started. It doesn’t matter that you started yesterday, when it was easy (because you weren’t committed to finish at that time).  Do this, and you’ll sucker yourself in a good way – and finally get some traction on that task.

Your Homework: Take One Step Now For Something You Have To Do Later

Take a look at something you’re avoiding and determine a first step – then take it.  If you’ve been putting off writing a blog post, don’t do the post today, just do the title tonight – and write the post itself tomorrow.  If you’ve got to do your taxes and you’re stressed, don’t schedule time to do it today – take 20 minutes and get your papers together, clear some desk space and walk away – and pick back up tomorrow.

And if you’re going to do yoga in the morning, find that damn DVD now, so you won’t be fumbling for it in the morning.  Rrrgh.

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Yesterday’s post about the dangers of positive thinking sure hit a nerve with a lot of people – especially those who see through “The Secret” for the insane marketing madness that it is.  Looking on the bright side of life can get you feeling better about your situation, but there’s no substitute for action. As Brett points out in today’s Viking Fridays post, there’s “no lamb for the lazy wolf.”  Indeed.

“But Dave, The Law Of Attraction Really Worked For Me!”

I’m sure at least one of my readers is going to chime up “But Dave, you just don’t understand … the Law of Attraction really works!  I focused on <insert thing> and it happened the next day!”

I’m certainly not going to argue that sometimes the this seems to work – in fact, it’s “worked” for me over and over again in my life – but not because of any quantum physics magic.  It’s “worked” for simple, provable reasons I’ll go into in a second.  For now, let’s get clear on what the Law Of Attraction is all about.

Our dear friend Wikipedia says that in order to use the Law of Attraction you must do four things:

1. Know what one desires and ask the “universe” for it.
2. Focus one’s thought upon the thing desired with great feeling such as enthusiasm or gratitude.
3. Feel and behave as if the object of one’s desire is already acquired.
4. Be open to receiving it.

Super, all I have to do is ask for what I want, focus on getting all warm and fuzzy and act like I already have it?  Wow, that’s so profound, so incredibly deep and magical that … it’s not magical at all.  It’s an illusion that makes it seem like the universe is doing the work for you.  Let’s break it down.

Step 1: Know what one desires and ask the “universe” for it.
Step 1: Get clear on what you want.  (You don’t need the universe’s permission.)

This is so simple it’s common sense.  When you get clear on something you can start taking definitive action on it – and more importantly, you start making distinctions and decisions that move you towards it.  If you decide you want to lose 20 pounds this year, and you get really clear on that, then you’re more likely to take action to do so.  You become more conscious of what you eat – and you find yourself making smarter decisions.  There’s an expression – “awareness is curative.”  This is what’s happening here.

Forget “asking the universe.”  When you try this step of the Law of Attraction, all you are doing is mentally raising the priority of what you want. You decide it’s worth wanting, and you create a “pull” that increases your chances of taking that all important goal-stompin’ action.

Step 2: Focus one’s thought upon the thing desired with great feeling such as enthusiasm or gratitude.
Step 2: Think about what you want, and get emotionally attached to achieving it.

Let’s imagine this – you want to lose 20 pounds, or make more money, or attract the person of your dreams.  Now, if you spent a great deal of time focusing on how incredible it would feel to have that thing, how lucky you feel to have that in your life, don’t you think that maybe – just maybe – you might find yourself more likely to take significant levels of action to make it happen?

When you create strong emotional attachments to what you want, it becomes harder and harder to act contrary to that.  Advertisers make billions off of this. If they can get you to make a powerful emotional connection with their product and your idea of happiness, you are sold. You will most certainly take action.  When you can do it to yourself, you own your life again. No magic required.

Step 3: Feel and behave as if the object of one’s desire is already acquired.
Step 3: Disassociate from self-doubt and begin acting the part.
You’ve heard the phrase “Fake it ’till you make it.”  It works.  If you act with certainty that you have something (or that you’re going to be getting something), you boost your chances of acquiring it for three key reasons.

• First, you break the hold of self-doubt and free yourself to take bolder actions.  You stop worrying about “what if” and focus on what to do next instead.  Certainty is a great motivator – if you believe you already have what you want, you’re going to take stronger action to achieve it.

• Second, you notice opportunities you didn’t track before when you believe that something is coming to you.  Just like when you buy a car, you suddenly notice that car everywhere.  Those cars were always there – it’s just now you notice them because you’ve mentally given it priority.  When they say “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” there’s no magic there.  The teacher was always present – now you just notice her.  (And she’s hot.)

• Third, people smell confidence and certainty the same way that animals smell fear. We gravitate towards people who are confident and give off an air of certainty, because we want that for ourselves.  When you act as if you already have something, people will notice you more – and realize that they might have a resource to help you achieve what you want.

Step 4: Be open to receiving it.
Step 4: Be open to receiving it.
Ok, this one I should have just left alone, because it’s basic psychology.  If you feel like you don’t deserve something, or that something is impossible for you to attain, then you absolutely will never allow yourself to take it when it’s available to you.  It’s like a guy and a girl who have strong feelings for each other but never act on them because they believe the other person is out of their league and would reject them.  Or the victim who refuses help because he believes he’s beyond helping (or not worth helping).

You can’t invite someone (or something) through a locked door.  When you are willing to put aside the self-doubt, anxieties and human hang-ups that make you hold back, you’re willing to accept the fact that hey, maybe you’re worth it.  Maybe you can have that (or be that).  You stop sabotaging the opportunities that are working in your favor.

The Real Secret: The Law Of AttrAction

The secret is out: You don’t need to have a magic genie to have more of what you want in life.  You just have to get clear on what you want, get emotionally invested in achieving it, act from a position of certainty, and keep yourself from self-sabotage.

So where does that leave “the universe?”  That I leave up to you to decide.  I’m only human – and there are plenty of things outside my understanding.  Prayer, meditation, faith and belief in that higher power – I can’t dispute that there are factors outside of our physical actions that shape how things get done in this universe. But I can tell you one thing:  Believing that all of existence is a vending machine that’s just waiting to give you a sugary fix without the work?  That’s just plain nuts.

And that’s no secret.

One powerful action you can take right now is to subscribe to this blog for more straight-up, own-your-life tips. Or if you’ve already done that, join the Rock Your Day newsletter.  It’s genie-free stuff you can actually use.

Note: Please read this entire post before you decide to flame me because you like positive thinking

Tim Brownson left a great comment on yesterday's post about the importance of believing in your ability to change your situation:

Beliefs certainly do drive action, but what drives beliefs?  Thoughts drive beliefs ...  that is where positive thinking can help by undermining a negative, disempowering belief system.

I’m not disagreeing with what you’re saying - in fact I agree with it, but negative self-limiting beliefs are a symptom and not the cause of faulty thinking.

You don’t have to look like Pollyanna on ecstasy and live in complete denial to benefit from looking on the bright side of things. The start point is subtle changes of thinking and moving those beliefs into doubt and then from there into disbeliefs.

The Ugly Truth About Positive Thinking

Tim says there's value in "looking on the bright side of things."  He's all kinds of right on that one.  But while that might be some people's definition of positive thinking, that's not what I'm talking about in this post.  What I'm taking a hard line on is the mainstream definition, one that's been given a big boost by what Clay Collins calls The Cult of Abundance, all fueled by the hype behind The Law Of Attraction.  For far too many people who have purchased The Secret and bought into the madness therein, a twisted version of positive thinking becomes installed:

"If I just think about good things, good things will happen!  Yippee!"

Ok, I admit I added that "Yippee" part.  Humor me.

The danger of the Law of Attraction and "positive thinking" is that it fuels the notion that you don't have to do any work to make things happen - it's magic! (Well, techncally, it's QUANTUM PHYSICS.  My bad.)  If you want more success, or money, or whatever, just think real hard on it, and poof, a genie will make it happen.

Do you think I'm stretching it?  Watch this video from the author of The Secret.  There is, in fact, a genie. (To be fair, if you miss it, it might be because an avalanche of money falls over you in an earlier scene.)

Don't fall for this crap.  If you take all the pseudo-science out of The Secret and get to the real science, you'll see this mathematical truth:

"But wait, Dave!" you may say. "I tried the law of attraction and it worked!"  I'll tell you why it worked tomorrow, but it ain't because of quantum physics.  Stay tuned.

A "Closer" Definition Of Positive Thinking

For many of you the phrase "positive thinking" is linked to Norman Vincent Peale, the author of "The Power of Positive Thinking."  Ok, he wrote a book on the damned phrase, let's see what he has to say about it:

"Positive Thinking is about training yourself to see the world from a whole new perspective and utilizing your fundamental capability to produce desired outcomes with positive, realistic beliefs and thoughts. It is based on the scientifically-proven fact that thought has a direct effect on feeling which, in turn, had a direct effect on behavior and performance. Therefore, if you think positively you will get positive results, if you think negatively you will get negative results."  (taken from The Peale Center's official website)

Hmm.  I like that better, especially the bold part.  In this definition, thought has nothing to do with genies, avalanches, or being a "money magnet."  No quantum physics here.  Just the idea of "Thoughts drive feelings, and feelings drive action."  Can't argue with that.

However (and this is a 'however' that deserves to be in red), I can't buy that last sentence.  Positive thinking will not guarantee positive results.  How many times have you been sure of something and failed?  And on the opposite side, how many times have you been sure you were going to fail and - oops - you succeeded?

The bottom line is, thinking does not make things happen.  Making things happen makes things happen.  It's all about action.

A Better Definition Of Positive Thinking

Since it's all about action, let me throw this definition of "positive thinking" at you:

Positive Thinking: Consciously choosing thoughts that produce the positive feelings that make you want to take action.

If you purposefully choose to look on "the bright side of life," as Tim put it, you are choosing to focus on thoughts which boost your mood because they are based on facts, not bullshit.  As Tony Robbins once said, if you look at your garden and say "there's no weeds, there's no weeds, there's no weeds," those weeds will take your garden. But if you say to yourself, "Wow, it's pretty cool that I have a garden - and if I take care of it will look great," you might just take action.

When you believe your actions can make a difference, you're more likely to follow through on taking those actions.  "Looking on the bright side" means reframing the situation in your mind so that it makes you want to take action rather than feel sorry for yourself.

Even Better: Realistic Thinking

People have called me an optimist over and over again, but I'm not an optimist at all.  I'm a realist.  In reality, there is almost always something you can do to improve a situation.  In reality, most of our problems are not the end-of-the-world that we make them out to be.  In reality, we can get off our asses and do one little thing today to turn the tide.  In reality, we may feel like absolute crap and have no motivation, but realistically that doesn't mean we don't have resources.  In reality, we can find someone to talk to to snap us out of our funk - and if we can't find 'em locally, somewhere there is a website, blog, or forum where we can find someone who we can relate to.

There's no such thing as pessimism - only being unrealistic.  When you catch yourself being unrealistic, kick your own ass and start thinking realistically - start seeing the world as a place full of resources we haven't tapped simply because we haven't overcome our self-doubt - and you might just find the motivation from within to take positve action.  And in the long run, you're much more likely to get what you're looking for.

And you don't even need a graph for it.  (Or a genie.)

PS - Realistically, you'll thank yourself later if you take a second right now and subscribe to this blog. Or if you've already done that, join the Rock Your Day newsletter.  It's genie-free stuff you can actually use.

Quick Note: The Better Sleep series will continue next week, as I’ve spent my post-writing time reading SEO School from the mistress of home business tips, Naomi Dunford.  Review coming tomorrow.  If you’re new here, check that Better Sleep series out!

From the I-Couldn’t-Have-Said-It-Better department …

Michael Martine (my favorite blog consulting master) knocks it out of the park in a Men With Pens post:

One thing that bugs me to no end is when people say “I tried,” when what they’re really saying is they only put in a little effort and then gave up.

When I was in the Marines (yes, I really was, but was injured in basic and let go) I was told to find something in the barracks by one of the drill instructors. I looked for what seemed to me like a reasonable amount of time and reported back to him that I couldn’t find it.

He looked at me and said, real slowly, “Then I guess you ain’t done lookin’ yet, are you?”

I got the message, and that message has stayed with me ever since.

Do You Get The Message?

Are you giving up too easily?  Trying something once, or just for a little while, and then telling yourself you just don’t have it in you to make it work?

On some level, you know that you’re bull$hitting yourself.

Today, and every day, why don’t you imagine your own mental drill instructor who will tell you, real slowly, “Well, I guess you ain’t done tryin’ yet?”

Think of something you’ve been giving up on lately.  Lay it on yourself.  Remind yourself that you’re not a quitter.  See how it makes an instant difference.  Enjoy.

More Monday,

Dave

(PS – If you haven’t checked out “What’s Holding You Back?,” check it out soon.  Michael has convinced me to raise the price soon).

When “Shut Up” Shows You Really Care

For those who skipped the video, Will Smith talks about how the act of running can make you a stronger person because it forces you to have to deal with that voice in your head that tries to make you give up. I’ll let Will say it:

“When you’re running … there’s a little person that talks to you, and that little person says, “Oh, I’m tired,” or “My lungs are about to pop,” or “I’m so hurt, I’m so tired there is no way I could possibly continue.” And you want to quit.  If you learn how to defeat that person when you’re running, you will learn how to not quit when things get hard in your life.“

If you really care about succeeding at something, about following through, then you’re going to have to learn how to tell yourself to shut up (or, if you’re from New York like me, you can tell yourself to “f*ck off.”  Canadians do this too.).

Learning to silence that voice that tells you to quit, or that you can’t handle it, or that you’re too tired is one of the keys to success for any goal.  This internal resistance is going to happen (you know from experience that it will), so it’s mandatory that you learn to deal with it up front. You need to plan ahead to say what needs to be said so you can do what needs to be done.

Nailing this is so critical to winning, in fact, in both my early riser and time managment programs it’s pretty much the very first thing that I teach.  It’s that important.

What Your Heroes Do When Nobody’s Looking

If you admire anyone who has reached a measure of success, don’t buy into the fantasy that it came easy to them.  It didn’t.  No matter how easy you think some people have it, they busted their ass to get to where they are (and likely still do on a daily basis).  Their success was hard-earned.  It cost blood, sweat, and tears.  It took real work, and there were times when that voice screamed in their heads to quit, to take a break, to come back another day, to throw in the towel.

But they didn’t.  They told that voice in their head to shut up.  And they got back to work.

And they won.

Are You Willing To Tell Yourself To Shut Up?

As you face this weekend (and the coming week), think of the tough things you’ve got on your plate (or the things you’ve been avoiding / slacking off on).  Think of the things you tell yourself that hold you back from taking action.  Rehearse those all-too-familiar conversations in your head and then practice cutting them off with a hearty “shut up!” – or again, a “F*ck off!” (once more, with feeling).

If you want a step-by-step way to make training that response easy, you can find it right in the beginning of my audio programs. Learn to get the last word in the conversations you have with yourself, and a Will Smith said, you’ll learn how not to quit when things get hard in your life.

Now get to it – you’ll thank yourself for it.

Share your “shut up” one-liner in the comments below and subscribe to this blog for more real-life success tips.

When I wrote about how to stay motivated to take action when your week goes all to hell, one of the strategies I gave for pushing past the resistance to keep going was this:

Give yourself permission to hate the work you’re doing. Popular self-help wisdom says that you should be happy and upbeat all the time, and if you can’t get excited by everything, you’re doing something wrong (and you should feel guilty for it!).  But life says that ain’t so.  Some tasks suck, but they simply need to be done, and it’s okay not to like them.  I don’t like changing my youngest kid’s diaper, but cleaning up the crap is part of the parenting package.  I don’t have to pretend to like it – I just have to do it.  So don’t pressure yourself to get happy about crap work – admit it’s crap, but do it anyway.

Apparently I’m not the first one to come up with this concept – they’ve been using it in the military for years via a phrase which sounds much better than what I just wrote: “Embrace The Suck.”

When A Job That Sucks Is A Job Well Done

Face it, sometimes you’re going to have to do things that are hard, unenjoyable and unbelievably irritating (things that truly suck), and you have two choices:

• Get frustrated, drained, and pissed off because you have to deal with the suck, or
• Embrace the suck, and do it anyway, because you are an a$$-kicker like no other.

I’m reminded of an old United States Marines Corps recruiting poster I saw that said something like, “We’d promise you sleep deprivation, mental torment and muscles so sore you’ll puke … but we don’t like to sugar-coat things.”  That phrase has always stuck with me because it actually makes hard work a bragging point for Marines, saying We pride ourselves on doing the things most people are too wimpy to do – because that’s our job, damn it. However you feel about the military (and let’s not go into it in the comments, please), this is an important distiction.

When you decide that having the strength to follow through on unpleasant tasks is part of what defines you as an a$$-kicker, it changes your perspective. You exchange some that feeling of being drained with a feeling of being proud of yourself.  You tell yourself, “This task sucks, but I’m going to do it well because it proves that I rock.”  And then you truly do “embrace the suck,”and do the dirty work with a good attitude.

You may not like the work any more than you did before, but you’ll sure as hell like yourself more for doing it without moaning and complaining.  And a job that sucks becomes a job well done.

Suck It Up Today, And Be Proud Of It

Today (Friday) is a perfect day to “embrace the suck,” because most people will be moaning “Oh, I’m so glad it’s the weekend and I can finally stop working” (or, for the 7-day-a-week-ers, “Oh, man, don’t I ever get a day off?”).  Don’t complain.  You are stronger than that, damn it.  Embrace the suck, do it anyway, and bask in the fact that you are, as I said, an a$$-kicker like no other.

(P.S. – That’s not to say you need to resign yourself to a situation that sucks.  If you need to change things, find a way to do it.  But until then, use this lesson to keep yourself in a position of strength ’till the change comes round.)

Want to share your thoughts in the comments below or subscribe to this blog? I dig both.

It’s easy to get motivated by an idea.  A plan. A goal. We tend to get easily excited by and obsessed over these (and other) four-letter words.  The thought of them is intoxicating, and when you’re caught up in the euphoria, suddenly all things seem possible.  You want it bad, and you chase it with a smile on your face.

But there’s another four letter that most people don’t like to face, and that’s work. Sure, you may have been partying with your goals and ideas and plans all night long, but work is what you wake up with in the morning. And while it may be the new hotness for a while, sooner or later you find that the thrill is gone.

Baby, Don’t You Love Me Anymore?

When your goals just aren’t doing it for you, when you’re not getting excited enough to chase them anymore, something is wrong.  You feel like you’re going through the motions, doing what you have to in order to chug along, and the hot idea that once dominated your thoughts has lost its luster. What used to be a driving passion becomes just another chore.  You start entertaining thoughts of giving up.

So what changed?  Did you fall “out of love” with your goal?  Probably not – it’s more likely that you lost your focus.  Instead of thinking of the end result, of what will happen when you achieve it, you’re letting yourself get bogged down by the details.  And since the details are where all that hard work comes into play, you can lose sight of the attractive outcome that once motivated you.

Sometimes just realizing this is enough – it hits you that while you hate writing reports, dealing with customer emails or tweaking a website, what you love is the job you do and the result you create.  You love delivering a result to people, and that’s what drives you.  You start thinking of what you fell in love with in the first place, and all your motivation comes rushing back.  Life is good.

Except when it isn’t.

Welcome To The Jungle

Sometimes, even thinking of the end result won’t get you motivated.  At all.  Sure, your business may solve people’s problems, make them happier, or help them change the world, but it’s just not doing it for you.  You know you should be excited, but you’re not.  Instead, you’re numb inside, or you’re hating the hundreds of stupid steps you have to go through to make it all work.

And the frustration is compounded by the fact that you know you should be absolutely ecstatic about following your dream/goal/big idea.  You know that you have a million reasons to get excited, but it’s just not helping your performance problems.

And then, just when you’re feeling ground down, everything starts to go wrong.  Customers have problems.  Business partners don’t work out.  Projects that seemed on schedule get delayed.  Insult is added to injury, and you just don’t know how to get your groove back.

Remember, motivation isn’t the ability to get hyped up, passionate and excited.  It’s the ability to make yourself do the damned work when it’s not fun.  I can’t promise to give you the magic answer to your motivation problems, but I can give you a few time-tested tips that have helped me and my coaching clients through some of our roughest spots.  Not all tips will work with all people, but read the list below with the pre-supposition that you’ll find one that speaks to you (and then it will. )

• Give yourself permission to hate the work you’re doing. Popular self-help wisdom says that you should be happy and upbeat all the time, and if you can’t get excited by everything, you’re doing something wrong (and you should feel guilty for it!).  But life says that ain’t so.  Some tasks suck, but they simply need to be done, and it’s okay not to like them.  I don’t like changing my youngest kid’s diaper, but cleaning up the crap is part of the parenting package.  I don’t have to pretend to like it – I just have to do it.  So don’t pressure yourself to get happy about crap work – admit it’s crap, but do it anyway.

• Disassociate yourself from the task you have to do. This sounds goofy, but it can really work.  Step back and pretend someone else is taking on the task (preferably someone who you picture having an easy time tackling the work). Start working on it, and “watch” how they handle it as if it were a movie unfolding before you.  This is effective because it takes your mind of your personal discomfort of doing the work, and gives you something creative to enjoy.

• Decide to respect yourself in the morning. The task may suck, but if you push past your resistance and get it done anyway, you can look back at the end of the day and feel proud of yourself for not copping out with some weak excuse.   Imagine yourself putting your head on your pillow knowing you kicked a$$ when it wasn’t easy – but your bad ass did it anyway -and experience how that feeling of pride can drive you.

• Recognize that this is just a phase, and it will pass. Sometimes we lose the love because other things in life are stressing us out.  We’re emotionally tapped, and we don’t have anything to get motivated with.  Recognize that this is an event that will come and go, and that if you just shake it off, eventually you’ll get your groove back.  Tell yourself the lull is temporary, and the secret formula to getting the excitement back is to just keep plugging away.

• Remind yourself that man oh man, is it worth it. Famed boxer Muhammad Ali admitted he hated every minute of his training, but kept at it because he knew it would make him a champion one day.   No matter what crap is going on in your life, no matter how many obstacles are making the pursuit of your goal harder, there’s a reason you set the goal in the first place.  Because it’s worth it.  Tell yourself that over and over again.  “I know this task sucks, but it’s going to be worth it.”

The path to your goal isn’t all fun and games.  Sometimes it sucks.  But when that happens, instead of feeling sorry for yourself or wondering what you’re doing wrong, recognize it as a natural part of life.  Prepare for it.  Accept it.  And then work through it.  Sure, “you can taste the bright lights / but you won’t get them for free.” But if you remind yourself that the price is not only required, but worth paying, you’ll find a way to get yourself to keep taking action, even when it’s no fun at all.

And when you put your head on the pillow at night, you’ll know you took the high road.

Your thoughts?  Additional advice?  Give up the goods (After subscribing to this blog, of course …).