Why You Need To Abandon Your Rescue Fantasy (Yes, You Do Have One)
Somewhere on one of my old Brian Tracy CDs there’s this great line he says about how in order to really take control of your life you have to first realize that no one is coming to your rescue. If you want your life to be different, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make it happen.
Steven Covey also talks about the dangers of the “rescue fantasy” in one of his books, saying how too many people think that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future. We’ll get that raise, and then we’ll be able to get out of debt. Someone new will date us, and finally, things will go smoothly. Someone will offer us a better job, and then everything will be okay.
Except life doesn’t work that way. Nothing is going to make your problems go away.
No one is coming to your rescue. And that’s good news.
We buy into all these little “someday” ideas in our life – “Someday, when I have this, I’ll be happy.” Or “Someday, when this circumstance changes, everything will be better.” We’re unhappy about something now, and we fall for the scam of external happiness – the idea that something outside of us has to change before we can actually feel happy and fulfilled.
But here’s the cruel thing – even when that circumstance changes, or when you get that thing you’ve been angling for, you won’t be happy. Things won’t be okay, because there will be a new circumstance you want changed or a new thing you want.
There will always be another external factor for you to be unhappy about, because if you’re miserable, it’s because you’re not cultivating the practice of gratitude and happiness in your own life.
The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating inside you.
I speak from experience.
The last two weeks have been absolutely miserable for me, because I’m trying to make a major change in my circumstances right now, and it’s extremely difficult and it’s not happening fast enough. (If only X or Y or Z would happen, then everything would be okay!)
I’ve spent two weeks living in almost paralyzing frustration looking for a quick-fix solution to my situation. And then I get blindsided with this, from Mahala Mazerov:
At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are. I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January. In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it, and use it as a means of cultivation. My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience.
You really need to step away from this blog and read this post of hers, right now.
Mahala goes on to say that a lot of our suffering comes from getting stuck on our desire to have things be different right this instant and that taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.
And I have to say, I agree.
When we cling to our rescue fantasy, we make life more difficult.
One major change I made this weekend was to stop wishing that my circumstances were different right now and to start focusing on the question how can I grow as a person through the process? Maybe the reason I’ve been so damn unhappy isn’t because I’m not at the finish line right now, but that the waiting is revealing weaknesses in my attitudes, my self-discipline, and my willingness to push myself harder in the areas that matter.
We all want “things to change and be better” when perhaps we should be focusing on becoming better in the process of moving towards that change.
Otherwise, when things do get better, we’ll still be carrying all our current baggage into the next job, the next relationship, the next whatever … and we’ll be just as unhappy.
I’m not feeling the frustration of last week right now because I’ve abandoned my rescue fantasy. I can see some personal shortcomings I need to address between now and that near-future tipping point, and I can also see how the waiting period can give me the much-needed time and incentive to become a more balanced, relaxed person.
The “pain” of waiting is actually a pretty damn good gift, if I just choose to unwrap that sucker and use what’s in the box.
A change in circumstances does not equal a rescue (it’s more of a bailout, and we see how well those work).
You need to rescue yourself from your frustration, right where you are, right now. People with far worse circumstances than you are refusing to play the victim every day – step up and join the ranks.
Hope this helps -
Dave
Dude! I’m starting to think we’re living in a parallel universe or something! (In other words…’me too!’
)
Thanks for this!
All the best!
deb
Deb Owen’s last blog post..what’s your story? (what do you think it ’should’ be?)
Dave,
Very nice! I love reading my own story, in your words. I’ve just finished up an ebook that is all about the excuses we put in between ourselves and what we want.
I love you callin’ us out on our “need to be rescued.” It never works. Really, we are just creating experiences over and over that will point us in the direction of rescuing our self. Yeah, I get to rescue me… from my excuses, from my wishing, waiting and hoping for things to be different.
::: fist bump :::
Mynde’s last blog post..The Cool Thing About Twitter
Awesome, brother.
We are where we are because of the choices we’ve made. Others may have effects on us, but we choose to respond.
We’ll get where we’re going from here based on the choices we make from this point forward – starting with this instant.
Yep, I have a rescue fantasy too, and it sucks. It sucks because there are people out there with a lot less than I have, kicking a lot more ass.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..a tale of two bridges.
Nice post. Between Seth Godin’s post about being boring and this, I’m getting a serious kick in the butt.
Amber Shah’s last blog post..How to Hire People Who Don’t Suck
Beautiful.
Action plays a critical role in attaining what you want. But how you feel about and experience your [current] circumstances and your state of being are even more critical.
Change begins with us and who we are. We “are” our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and responses to whatever circumstances and challenges we’re faced with.
Change only “hurts” when we harshly judge our undesirable circumstances. The “good” vs. “bad” comparisons we make between our present plight and the circumstances we desire keeps us in a state of pain and discomfort (i.e. impatience, frustration, the blues, etc.)
Eliminating good vs. bad comparisons and judgments, and accepting and being at peace with our present circumstances stops the pain and enables a faster, more natural (and a lot more pleasant) “flow” into the changes we desire.
Some people confuse accepting current circumstances with settling for them. They’re not the same thing. But if you’re not at peace with your current situation, you’re limiting or even completely blocking the flow of change you most desire.
Your points are brilliant and well-made. And Mahala’s post is awesome. Thanks for this, Dave.
Mary Anne Fisher’s last blog post..7 Stupid Simple Steps to Crazy Online Profits… Almost Overnight!
Be gentle with yourself, Dave.. This is the work of a life time. As the more life pushes and pulls us, the more it wants us to surrender and open to grace.
Great post … very timely.
This is an issue I struggle with a lot — I always wonder where the Cinderella fantasy comes from, but man, it’s good to know it’s not just a girl thing.
This is GREAT! I think that deep down we all have some sort of rescue fantasy. Mine happens to be bumping into Oprah in a restroom, chatting with her about my blog/book ideas, and then being invited on her show to subsequently live a life filled with fame and fortune and making differences in lives everywhere… yes, I’m slightly delusional. But I think we (including me!) need to let go of these fantasies and focus on doing what we can to make our lives what we want them to be. Love this post! It’s really given me a lot to think about!
Positively Present’s last blog post..trust me: to be happy you need to trust
Talk about blindsided. I practically fell out of my chair when I came across my name. Totally unexpected, and a great joy to think I was part of your process.
When we cling to any fantasy, when we cling to any reality (because what is that exactly?) that’s where the difficulty appears. If we’re lucky we remember to put the bags down and address the moment and the quality of our mind. That in itself is a kind of rescue.
Mahala Mazerov’s last blog post..Suffering By Desire
[...] Why You Need to Abandon Your "Rescue Fantasy" (and yes, you do have one!) – Dave Navarro rocks your day with a look at your “rescue fantasy”. He’s right. A lot of people (myself included) spend our time thinking life would be better if only ___________. What a fantastic article this is! [...]
Yay for someone else speaking up about Somedays!
I look at it this way: while we can’t choose what happens to us all the time we can choose how we react to it.
That means we are 100% responsible for getting out of negative situations – we can ask for help, but no one is going to rescue us.
Nicely written.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..Are You Working Yourself Too Hard?
“The “pain” of waiting is actually a pretty damn good gift, if I just choose to unwrap that sucker and use what’s in the box.”
Damn. That’s just what I needed to read. Thank you so much for this post, and for introducing me to Mahala’s blog.
Very good point and clearly written. I think even those of us who are die-hard self-motivators fall into this trap from time to time, thinking that one opportunity or another will come along that will wipe away all of our problems. Which is not ideal, of course
Colin Wright’s last blog post..Asymmetrical Business Warfare and You
Well written post. My circumstance are currently far less than ideal, but my focus has been on moving forward and so I started my blog, and have just kept applying for jobs and used the blog as a way to demonstrate tangible evidence of my knowledge.
[...] is a post from Rock Your Day Blog (Dave Navarro) Somewhere on one of my old Brian Tracy CDs there’s this great line he says about how in order to [...]
Great post. Have also struggled and continue to struggle with a rescue fantasy ever since my dad dies unexpectedly at only 38 (I was 16). It’s becoming aware of what your subconscious does to undermine you and hold you back. Well done.
Steve Averill’s last blog post..We Need You
What a fantastic, fantastic post. This ties right in to the victim mindset. YOU take responsibility for your life… the good AND the bad.
Johnny B. Truant’s last blog post..I have no point, but I may or may not be funny sometimes regardless of what that guy with the lazy eye says, and also, where’s my taco?
Great post and a wonderful message.
I was surprised, though, when you said, “perhaps we should be focusing on becoming better.” Isnt’ that simply another way to wish things were different? For me, it’s another trap of “should” which keeps me away from being in the moment and experiencing what is.
Anna’s last blog post..Are you in deeper than you think?
What if you have fantasies of being the rescuer? As in…I think I can seriously save/change the world?
Actually, it works both ways — you can get just as frustrated when your efforts to rescue aren’t lauded/accepted/sought after/you-name-it.
Since it’s our desire for change that actually helps us get off the couch in the first place, it’s hard to relax into the process and just ENJOY where we are.
I’m still workin’ on it.
[...] Dave Navarro of Rock Your Day discusses how we all need to put the idea that someone or something is going to come along and fix everything for us in his post “Why You Need To Abandon Your Rescue Your Rescue Fantasy (Yes, You Do Have One)” Dave Discusses how we make things worse for ourselves by always wanting things to be different right this moment, and not appreciating the journey it takes to get you there. http://www.rockyourday.com/abandon-your-rescue-fantasy/ [...]
Great post. Brings to mind some Dave Matthews’ lyrics:
“What I want is what I’ve not got, but what I need is all around me.”
Thanks for tackling this important topic and best of everything in your own journey.
[...] Why You Need To Abandon Your Rescue Fantasy (Yes, You Do Have One) [...]
I guess I’ll join the chorus. I’ve long held a rescue fantasy that says someday my ship will come in and I’ll be able to work from home full-time with the results I need to make it a reality.
Maybe this is a common fantasy for a lot of single parents; but I also have to admit that I’m still sitting on the couch.
The post is a good reminder of Einstein’s quote: “Nothing happens until something moves.”
Here’s to moving off the couch and into the rest of my life.
Barry (Solo-Dad) Morris’s last blog post..Poll: Help Refocus Solo-Dad
Amazing, to find others wandering around out here. This is the longest, “Finish Line Stripe”, I’ve ever crawled across……. Just a mirage of a, “Rescue Fantasy”.
Glad to be on this Blog. Gotta get back into, “Kick Ass Shape”. Looking forward to sparring with all of you, each and everyday.
Thanks, Dave. YOU ROCK, BROTHER!
Funny thing, was having this same exact conversation with a friend of mine today. We are both wanting to change our situations, but our butts are still on the couch. Sigh. Thanks for the smackdown.
mrschattypants’s last blog post..Whatever Works
Yes this is such good advice. I have three kids and not much money and I can get to thinking if only I had a partner if only I had a great job. But my challenge has always been to try and go for something anyway and see if I can pull it off.
[...] of inspirational stuff. I read and agreed wholeheartedly with Dave Navarro’s post about how nobody is going to save you. I detest the notion of being a victim. I wrote in possibly my very favorite post about committing [...]
[...] of inspirational stuff. I read and agreed wholeheartedly with Dave Navarro’s post about how nobody is going to save you. I detest the notion of being a victim. I wrote in possibly my very favorite post about committing [...]
[...] of inspirational stuff. I read and agreed wholeheartedly with Dave Navarro’s post about how nobody is going to save you. I detest the notion of being a victim. I wrote in possibly my very favorite post about committing [...]