Ego and Productivity: Don’t Let Your Default Answer Be “Yes”

So a lot of people are on board when it comes to running like hell from the Cult of Productivity – the mindset that says if you’re not hacking your life 24/7 and taking everything “to the next level,” then you just must not be a very committed person after all.

Of course, we know better (now), and we’re calling bullshit on this.  Running at maximum capacity does NOT equal a better life any more than redlining your car’s engine makes it last longer.  “Zoom zoom,” indeed.

So let’s talk about one of the many tools the Cult of Productivity – The Default “Yes.”

Just Say No (Where Have We Heard This Before)?

Somewhere along the line we’ve made the false connection between being busy and being cool.  It became a little high-schoolesque game to see who had the most gadgets, the most projects, the most emails on a daily basis.  Productivity became, in a sense, a pissing contest.

The more stressed for time you were, the more you had “arrived.”  The more you could impress people with being everywhere at once.  The more things you could jam on your personal and professional resume.

The problem with this is, when you spread yourself out like that, you’re spreading yourself thin.  Your circle of influence may have stretched to miles wide, but eventually it’s only a quarter-inch deep.  Not a good place to be.

But – gasp – you can’t slow down … that would be admitting weakness. That would betray a lack of “real” priorities.  And so when a new project, a new idea, a new commitment of time and energy comes by … how can you say no?

After all, it’s a really cool project.  And it’ll be a great networking opportunity. And I’m sure I could squeeze it in.

And then you end up like those trains in Japan, where they literally have to have a “spotter” to help push people into the train because they are packed so tightly.

Because saying “no” to a new commitment becomes equivalent to failure.

And we all know how unacceptable failure is in our society.  It’s like a non-airbrushed photo of a supermodel – it’s something to be shunned and attacked (eek!  It’s reality – run!!!).

And so time and again, we get tricked into saying “yes,” because we’re afraid of the fallout of “no.”

But if you don’t say no – relentlessly – the Cult captures you.

You know, having certain people view you as a failure isn’t so bad.  After all, if someone is going to be so shallow as to shun you because you aren’t willing to settle for burning your soul out prematurely, then that’s a really cool situation – you can weed out the posers and false friends from your life.

Who knows, you might actually end up left all alone … except for the handful of real people who accept you for who you are and are also willing to be transparent and honest about their own limits.

The horror.

But the Cult is relentless – so you’ve got to be relentless back at them.  You can’t just say “no” every once in a while – you’ve got to make it a default answer in your mind, because the pressures of society will try and force you into taking more an more on until you every last drop of you is squeezed out.

That’s a scary thing for a lot of people – the idea of not taking on and endless array of goals – but it’s a damned important one for your life.  Here’s why.

Saying “No” Means Saying “Yes” To Only The Right, Best Things

When you say “yes” to everything, you’re not making any judgement calls or assessing the value of things.  You’re just taking things on because they’re there, or because you don’t want to disappoint someone.

But this is madness.  It’s like deciding you’ll date anyone who is interested in you rather than looking for someone you like, respect and trust.

And just like sex sells in advertising, the Cult of Productivity wants you to be really easy when it comes to accepting goals.  It’s already loosened you up with the “contact high” of other people’s super-productivity, and it’s hoping you’ll be a sure thing.

But you want to respect yourself in the morning …

… so you’re going to want to be more discerning.  When you decide your default answer is going to be “no,” you’re forcing yourself to really evaluate whether this new commitment of time and energy really lines up with what you want for your life.

You’re going to have to ask yourself if it’s worth trading part of your life for it.  As @CharlieGilkey says: “If it’s not worth doing, doing it will be at the cost of something worth doing.”

So repeat after me: Saying “no” is not a sign of weakness.  It is proof you are not insane.

But it’s easier said than done.

How to push past resistance to “no”

There’s no doubt you’ll encounter a lot of resistance when you first start saying “no” – not only from the Cult of Productivity (who, let it be said, aren’t evil – they just believe you can always do something more) – but also from yourself.

It’s going to be difficult and uncomfortable to turn commitments down, but it will make you a happier person.  It will also have the side effect of making you (dare I say it?) more productive, because you’ll be freeing up more focus to handle the things that are currently on your plate.

And as your plate gets clearer, your mind will get clearer, too.  You’ll start rejecting commitments that add “shallow value” to your life and take on different commitments that feed your sense of self and value and contribution.  You’ll become someone who builds a fullfilling life rather than just a life filled with “one more thing.”

It won’t be easy.  But saying “yes” all the time is even harder, and you know it.  Start the practice of resisting new commitments and only saying “yes” when they truly align with what you want.

But how do you start saying “no” when you’re not good at it?

Next post will talk about how to do this – but in the meantime, if you’ve got a strategy for keeping the number of commitments you juggle sane, feeel free to add it in the comments.

Good luck – and start saying “no” more often -

Dave

What To Do After You Make A Crushing Mistake

We all make some of the same mistakes over and over again.  Some of them are costly.  And the costlier the mistake, the more likely we are to want to get angry at ourselves for making it … and then avoid thinking about it ever again (until we repeat it, of course).

This is natural.  Costly, crushing mistakes are emotional poison to us, and we instinctively want to do anything possible to stop thinking about it.

What You Should Do Immediately, While The Wound Is Still Fresh

Once the mistake is made, do what comes naturally.  Yell.  Stomp your feet.  Kick your chair if you have to – do whatever it takes to push that first bit of tension away (as long as it’s not truly destructive of course).

But make it finite.

Tell yourself you’ll let yourself be pissed as hell for exactly sixty seconds, then you will have to rein it in for a while.  Count the sixty if you have to, or just look at the clock.  (It doesn’t have to be sixty – just make it short, and don’t guilt-trip yourself for feeling sad, or angry, or whatever.  Just meet the feeling, acknowledge it, and vent a little to take the edge off.)

Then work on the antidote, now – in writing.

No, you can’t fix a crushing mistake immediately.  But what you can do is learn the lesson, right now, and turn it into something positive for the future.  If you’ve totally fucked something up, write down why you did it, what you need to do differently next time, and how you can make yourself do it differently next time.

Yeah, that last part is the hard one.  Maybe you don’t know how.  But you can come up with something.  Something as a start.  And starting is the important thing.  Because if you can keep “how to maybe stop doing this” in your radar, rather than avoiding the feeling, maybe things will start changing.

Take that paper you’ve written on, and take it out once a day and look at it.  Do it the same time each day so you don’t forget it (At breakfast?  After lunch?  While brushing your teeth?) and don’t pretend the problem isn’t there.

Acknowledge it.  It’s poisoning your life.

Use that paper as the antidote. Rewrite it if necessary, as often as necessary.  But keep it on your daily radar so you can work on it.

Quit hiding from the problem, and maybe it’ll stop popping out and surprising you so often.

Quick fix?  No.  But it’s a start.

Just sayin’.

Dave

Goal Addiction and The Cult Of Productivity

Society wants you to be a goal addict, because it’s good for the economy.

It’s a cycle.  Spend money on those motivational tapes and seminars now. Spend money on antacid later when you’re not getting the results you want.  Blame yourself for sucking.  Spend even more money on booze, drugs, and mindless entertainment to take your mind off of your failure to achieve everything now (or, for the more sophisticated, buy the technological gadgets which will finally help you get more organized).  Lather, rinse, repeat.

It’s a cycle.  It’s a game.  And the house always wins, and though you may be a high roller today, you will always lose in the long run.

Goal addiction is great for the economy – but not so great for you.  And you’re in deeper than you think.

“I Can Stop Anytime I Want To” And Other Bullshit You Say To Yourself

How do you know if you’re a goal addict?  It’s just like other addictions – there’s a pattern of destructive behavior and stuff you rationalize to yourself.  Here are a few warning signs:

• Your default answer is “yes” when presented with a new commitment to sign up for – because you just know you can do it.
• You’re falling behind in the things that matter (your physical health, your emotional health, and your family, for example), but you’re still cranking on things that have temporary value at best.
• A significant amount of your daily stress comes from being behind on things
• You think technology is going to solve your time management problems.
• You are working your ass off, but not moving much farther ahead on your many goals.
• You don’t actually have clear “finish lines” for your goals, so any success never feels like enough
• You think of “juggling” your goals rather than focusing on them.

These are just a few of the signs of goal addiction, and if you’re seeing them in yourself, you need to seriously take notice.

Because if you don’t, a bunch of bad things will happen.

• By trying to do more and more, you’ll also accomplish less and less.
• By trying to please everyone, you’ll please no one.
• Your stress level will continue to spiral upward.
• Your life satisfaction will start to spiral downward.
• Ten years will pass, and you’ll be really disappointed with where you are.

Goal addiction is a life killer – and it’s a sneaky one at that, because the goal addicted lifestyle sounds so attractive when it’s glamorized by …

The Cult Of Productivity

I’m not going to describe the ins and outs of the productivity-industrial complex today, but chances are you have been wooed by them for a while now.  They’re the ones pushing the latest productivity gadgets or web apps or life hacks under the guise of “things that make your life easier.”

But all of these edgy solutions almost never, never designed to make your life easier.  They are designed to sell products.  They are designed to push trendy web services. They are designed to make catchy, “blog candy” top ten posts.  They are designed to get you focused on something other than doing work on your goals, because “something other” is sexy and “work” is not.

Because “doing a million things” is impressive.  “Doing less” smacks of weakness.

Because “optimizing” sounds intellectual.  “Simplifying” sounds like you’re copping out.

If you’re not “too busy” these days, you must be doing something wrong - and while that’s bullshit, that’s still the way our culture sees things.

And the worst part of it is, you can be working for the productivity-industrial complex and not even know it - even your best intentioned work may be destined to help people run faster on their treadmill rather than helping them get off the damned treadmill that’s exhausting them in the first place.

God knows I’ve contributed my fair share.  But I’m slightly older and slightly wiser now.

And I’m ringing this bell to get you to ask yourself the question too – Are you so addicted to achieving as much as you can that you sacrifice hitting home runs in the areas that really matter?

Chew on that.

It’s ok to say “Oh shit, why am I doing this with my life?” No one will think you’re weak.

Ok, that’s a lie.  Many people will think you’re weak, that you can’t hack it in this fast moving society.

But just ignore them.  They’ll go back to their tools, their stress and their antacids, and wonder why you look a little happier than you did before.

That’s all for today.  Chew on what I’ve said so far.  Ask yourself if you’re living the goal addicted lifestyle, and if that’s really where you want to be.

It wasn’t easy for me to admit goal addiction to myself, or my role in the productivity-industrial complex, but I had to face up to it.

Still working through it.  Making some progress, one day at a time.

Maybe we’ll throw together an AA meeting for the goal addicted.  Holla back in the comments if you want in. :-p

Till next time,

Dave

How To Get Balanced When Life Freakin’ Explodes At You

Sometimes, when it rains, it pours.  Too much comes at you at once, and you wonder how the hell you’re going to handle it all and keep everything in balance.

(This is the part where the typical productivity blog would tell you not to worry, for there’s seven easy steps to keep everything in check and get all those cats herded.  But I gotta say it ain’t so.  Sometimes there’s a stampede.)

Life Is Either A Balancing Act Or A Disaster Area

When you’re faced with a nice, wide open chunk of time – like a week’s vacation, or “every Saturday for a year” -  you have plenty of latitude to decide how you’re going to get everything balanced.  But life doesn’t always hand those opportunities to you.  More often than not, you’ve got a tight schedule and a seemingly unmanageable set of tasks.

Time is in short supply, and you’re just going to have to do the best with what you have.  And that means dealing with a very uncomfortable truth:

You’re Gonna Have To Let Some Of Your Goals Go.

Yeah.  Tough words.  I never said you’d like them.  But you may be at the point in your life where you have to face this.

Perhaps the reason you’re so overwhelmingly busy is because you’re treating too many goals like must-haves, when in reality they are just things you want.

And there’s nothing wrong with “things you want.”  Wanting is good.  Taking action to get what you want is even better.

But wanting it all is a sure path to insanity.

You Can Do Anything – Just Not Everything.

As much as productivity gurus would like to sell you on the “You can have it all” mindset, it’s just not realistic.  You’d need a dozen clones and a dozen lifetimes to scratch the surface of what you want.

So maybe you want too much.  Not in a “you’re greedy” way, but in a “why did they put pictures on the menu oh crap everything looks equally good I’m hungry for it all” way.  But here’s the thing – you can only put so much food on your plate in one sitting.  Too much and you’ll get full before you get a bite of everything.

And you can only stack so many goals on yourself before all you can do is take one bite out each one.

That sucks, but it’s life.

And if you’re so busy you can’t see straight … maybe you’re just too busy by design.  Maybe life is exploding at you because you’ve over committed.

And the painful truth is that the way out of that isn’t to become “more productive.”  It isn’t to chase after 100 goals that look equally good.

It’s realizing that all your goals aren’t equally good.

Some are critically good, like spending good time with your kids.  Some are damned important, like building up a savings account to protect yourself against the economy (or to just get yourself the hell out of a career you’re not thrilled with).  And some are important, like chasing this opportunity or this project or whatever.

The challenge comes when we forget that a lot of the things we think are critical … aren’t.

In truth, you could let a lot of important stuff go, a lot of important goals fade, and you’d be happier because you’re nailing more of the “critically good” ones.

Not easy to deal with.  Read The Power Of Less, by Leo Babuta.  It’s helping me.  It’ll help you, too.

Think about it this way – what goals, if you missed them, would make you feel like crap on your deathbed?

Chances are those aren’t what are causing you the majority of your stress right now.

I’m not telling you you need to do anything right now, except listen to yourself.  Listen to the rhythm of your day.  Ask yourself if this is what you really want.  Get honest.

And that’s how you start getting “balanced.”  By realizing that the reason things seem to be exploding, is because some things shouldn’t be on your list of goals in the first place.

More later.  This is a lot to think on now.

Dave