The Survivor Mindset: Becoming Stronger Through Vulnerability

January 27, 2009

In the last post we were talking about the the survivor mindset and how survivors deal with their stuff by helping others . For those just joining us, the “survivor mindset” is simply a term I was using to describe the unique psychology that allows people to go through brutally hellish circumstances, come out okay on the other side, and begin building a new set of circumstances that offer them a better shot at an enjoyable life.

Today we’re going to talk about something rather counter intuitive to being a survivor: using purposeful vulnerability as a means to cope and become stronger.

Survivors Don’t Bottle Things Up If They Want To Live

When people think of strength and grace under pressure, the image of the “strong, silent type” comes to mind. You know, the idea that really tough people can simply compartmentalize their lives and not let anything bother them, and that equates to being strong.

But that’s just not how it works. Bottling up your feelings and telling yourself you’ll just manage through them is a sure way to harden your heart and become less sensitive to the things that will give you a healthy ability to actually enjoy your life. I know, I spent a decade doing exactly that. I pretended that huge problems didn’t exist and that I could just “man up” and move on.

And I did move on … I just didn’t enjoy it. I became more closed in and unable to really connect with people. I finally had to go to counseling in college just to start unloading my stuff (because I was too afraid to be vulnerable in front of people I actually knew). Fortunately, the counselor was a good one, and helped me unpack some of the baggage I was carrying so I could move on.

Looking back, I wish I’d kept up with the counseling because I could have avoided a batch of rough spots I hit in the future.

Vulnerability Helps You Unpack Your Baggage

The power of being vulnerable in front of of someone else you can trust comes from being open to the possibility that you can deal with your situation in a healthy way rather than just stewing in it. When you can open up to someone, you stop hiding behind “it’s okay” and “I’ll deal with it” and you really lay everything out in the open. And once everything’s out in the open, the whole power dynamic changes.

First off, you get a sense of relief from finally getting the words out of your head and out in front of someone. You don’t feel like you’re hiding your pain or pretending it doesn’t exist and though you may still feel helpless to deal with it, at least it’s uncoiling from your mind a little bit. This relief in itself can be palpable and liberating.

But more than that, when you really explain your pain to someone else, you get a more objective view of it. As the words come out of your mouth they have to be challenged by your “reality filter” (that part of you that realizes things don’t make as much sense when you actually say them out loud), and you realize that you’ve been giving certain things too much power.

As in you’ve been thinking something is hopeless when in reality, you know there’s hope. Or you think something is “impossible” when in reality, it’s just difficult, inconvenient and uncomfortable. Or when you think you have no choices when the truth of the matter is that you have plenty of them. It’s astounding how many problems we think are unbearable sound different simply by verbalizing them to another person.

And then dealing with them becomes something possible (I didn’t say easy, though) rather than impossible. And that feels good.

Vulnerability Gives You New Allies

The greater power of vulnerability is that you gain allies, people who can look at your issues from an objective standpoint and offer you meaningful advice and support. If you can find people like this in your everyday life, it’s incredibly powerful to develop a meaningful relationship with them and to quit pretending “everything’s okay.” Pretending doesn’t make you a survivor, it makes you a stony husk of a person. And that doesn’t feel good at all.

But what if you don’t have anyone at all you can talk to? Then you were born at the right time, my friend, because the Internet is looking out for you. Regardless of what your issues is, it’s highly likely that there are at least a few online communities focused on gathering survivors together and supporting them. All you have to do is type your problem and the word “forum” or “group” or “discussion board” after it, and you’ll find a group of people you can be vulnerable to.

Does the thought of that scare the hell out of you? Then just create an anonymous online profile at these groups and nobody ever has to know who you are. Bare your (safely anonymous) soul and get the things out that have been weighing you down all these years. And ignore the random “haters” who will leave mean messages as a reply – they will be far outnumbered by good people who want to help you. Thanks to the internet, there’s no reason at all you can’t get the targeted, personal help you need. I only wish this had been around sooner.

Share Your Allies (Please)

I know a lot of readers may be interested in the anonymous option, so if you know of a resource, forum, discussion group, or whatever that can help people, please leave a comment about it so others can find what they need more easily.

And if you just need to get it out, you can do that in the comments, too. Just leave a fake name and email address in the comment section and say that thing that’s been “unsayable” in your own heart. There’s no strength in pretending the problem isn’t there – or isn’t solvable. Get it out. This is your invitation. Get some relief today.

(looks at watch) Looks like I’m out of time for today. Next post in this series will continue with another aspect of the survivor mindset. I hope you’ll join me by subscribing to this blog and better yet, linking to or Stumbling this post.

See you next post,

Dave

Written by Dave Navarro · Filed Under Other Riffs

How To Help Someone Change Their Life In Four Days

January 12, 2009

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I donate a percentage of all my blog-related income to Heifer International, an anti-poverty foundation that helps end hunger around the world by helping people create sustainable sources of food and income. It’s not a handout – it’s a way of working people out of the poverty cycle forever. It’s pretty damn cool stuff, and thanks to readers like you I was able to send hundreds of dollars their way in 2008.

I’d like to make 2009 the year I send well over $1,000 their way, so I’m going to throw an idea your way.

Four Days of Soul-Nourishing Goodness For You = $44 for Heifer

First off, I would never under my own steam utter the words “soul-nourishing” on my blog. that’s just a little too touchy-feely for this Brooklyn born Italian. But my client Jennifer Louden would, so I’m using it here today. Jen’s a sought-after speaker, best-selling author of six books, Oprah guest, and the force behind a “Virtual Retreat” that’s going on this weekend (with 9 other soul-nourishing speakers, best-selling authors and Oprah guests. Enough with the Oprah now).

Long story short, I’m her launch coach (and I’m proud to say we’ve had hundreds of people registering for this 4-day online event so far, and many more coming today). I’m going to throw an affiliate link at you in a minute, and if you’re even in the least inclined to hear inspirational sessions with titles like these:

Emergency Calming Techniques and Dissolving Procrastiantion (with Havi Brooks)
How To Create Your Life Purpose (Laura Berman Fortgang)
Re-energizing Your Career and Getting Into Action (Barbara Sher)
Overcoming Emotional Eating (Geneen Roth)
Conquering Fear, Gaining Peace (Susan Piver)
Emotional Freedom (Judith Orloff)
Doing Great Work And Making Lasting Impact (Michael Bungay Stanier)
The Comfort Of Your Innate Wellbeing (Michael Neill)
Overcoming Money Fears (Steve Chandler)

then click the link for all the details. If you click this link, and you register, 100% of my affiliate commission will go to Heifer International. I won’t keep any of it. You’ll get that “soul-nourishing” stuff you want, and communities around the world will actually have food this month (and every month thereafter, since this stuff is sustainable).

Click and check it out. You’ll be glad you did.

Dave

Written by Dave Navarro · Filed Under Other Riffs

The Survivor Mindset: Deal With Your Stuff By Helping Others

January 6, 2009

In the last post we were talking about the the survivor mindset and how picking the right role models can open up opportunities to survive and thrive. For those just joining us, the “survivor mindset” is simply a term I was using to describe the unique psychology that allows people to go through brutally hellish circumstances, come out okay on the other side, and begin building a new set of circumstances that offer them a better shot at an enjoyable life.

Today we’re going to talk about service as a coping mechanism - or, in simpler words, dealing with your stuff by helping people get through their stuff. It’s a simple strategy, but it’s wildly effective for those who have been through incredibly painful ordeals.

If Pain Seems Meaningful, You Can Take An Infinite Amount Of It

In 1980, Candy Lightner’s teenage daughter was killed by a drunk driver (a four-time-convicted DWI driver, no less), and he actually avoided a prison sentence entirely by serving time in a halfway house and work camp. A situation like that is the kind of thing that shatters a parent forever. I can’t imagine the fury and helplessness that she must have felt not getting justice for her daughter’s death.

Except Candy was a survivor. She didn’t settle for helplessness. She couldn’t bring her daughter back, and she couldn’t get revenge (what’s the point in that, anyway?). But she did do something much, much more powerful. She decided to connect with other people who had experienced her same tragedy and band together to make a difference. Candy Lightner was the founder of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving).

For 25 years, she relived the story of her tragedy over, and over, and over again so she could make a difference. Making a difference = purpose to the pain.

But you don’t have to petition state legislatures to start dealing with your pains (though if that does the trick, go for it). The point is, by focusing on using your pain to ease the pain of others, you learn to cope incredibly quickly.

Helping Others Takes The Focus Off Of Pain And Helps You Move Forward

One of the tricky things about massive emotional pain is that it paralyzes you. You think you’ll never get over it, that the world is coming to an end, and that you’re going under, with no chance of coming up for air. But that bleak worldview happens because we lose our objectivity and we get sucked into self-pity and hopelessness.

But when we reach out to help other people – especially people who have similar pain – an important thing happens. We start looking at the pain objectively, because it’s a lot easier to talk someone else through their pain than it is to come to terms with our own. And by helping someone else feel like they can cope, we realize we can, too.

If you’ve lost someone, you can relate to someone who’s lost someone of their own. If you take the time to talk to that person, help them through it emotionally, you’ll be helped as well. We have a natural desire to encourage other people, to help them feel better, and when we do that, we lighten our own load a bit. By seeing others realize they can carry on, we realize we can too.

If You’re Feeling Paralyzed And Depressed, Find Someone To Help In The Next Two Hours

No matter how bad you’re feeling, there’s a bit of good news – the Internet has made being a survivor easier than ever. There are chat rooms and forums and blogs and social media spaces for practically any pain you could have experienced in your life. If you’re feeling at the end of your rope, search for those gathering places and say one encouraging thing to someone every day. In 30 days I guarantee you that you’ll experience a lift.

See you next post,